Surprise Spit

I had an awful date last night and came home three martini drunk and annoyed, so I freestyle spit this poem which you may have seen here earlier. I’ve been practicing in the shower to do a more polished version possibly with a sick beat on my new bass, but whatever this one captures the essence of the poem even if it’s messy and slurred. It’s up on Soundcloud because YOLO.

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100/50

This is the 100th post on this strange blog, and we recently welcomed the 50th follower.
Seems odd no?
I still don’t really have a clue what I am hoping to do here, and yet here we are all together. Feels kind of disturbing and special, thanks guys.
I’m far too superstitious not to celebrate these perfectly round numbers, so here is a little get to know you game. I’ve asked myself 100 questions, of which 50 are answered truthfully. Maybe if you can pick out 10 of the lies there will be prizes? Maybe the prize will be I finally finish some of the pieces I’ve been working on during this holy sabbatical thing to share with you, or finally update the web layout so it’s easier to navigate, or like fun personalized postcards?? Who knows, hard to say really.

  1. What is the trait you most deplore about yourself? Psycho slut and vapid millennial.
  2. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Unadventurous taste.
  3. What brings you down the most often? My over active imagination and under stimulated mind.
  4. Which living person do you most admire? A man in uniform.
  5. Which living person do you most despise? The person who stole my fairy wings.
  6. What is your idea of perfect happiness? enough riches to buy a boat and travel the world to never return.
  7. What is your greatest fear? That I am alternately too much or not enough.
  8. Where would you most like to live? Climax, Saskatchewan.
  9. What is your most treasured possession? My notebooks.
  10. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as your dinner guest? Searle Sneer.
  11. Would you like to be famous, and in what way? I would like to be known well enough to work abroad, but still obscure enough not to be bothered in the street. Critical acclaim without mass hysteria.
  12. Before making a telephone call do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? No, never, I just stare at the keypad longingly imagining the whole conversation in my head.
  13. What would constitute a perfect day for you? Waking up languidly with the sun to write and yawn, followed by yoga and meditation, tea and toast, intensive work creating in the studio until two or three in the afternoon, a late lunch and a stroll through the park with a thoughtful friend, a long nap perhaps with a good book, dinner with lots of laughter and music perhaps some wine, a quiet moment when the city is silent before bed to reflect and take note.
  14. What do you regard as the lowest depths of misery? the mind that is aware of it’s own limitations and flaws but too afraid or lazy to make a go of self discovery anyways.
  15. What is your favourite occupation? Prophet.
  16. What is your most marked characteristic? A knack for making people feel at ease.
  17. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I make up songs compulsively while puttering around my house. I try to be merciful with other’s ears.
  18. What did you learn yesterday? How to love with out feeling broken.
  19. What is your greatest extravagance? Emotional excess.
  20. What is your current state of mind? Restless reflective.
  21. What do you consider the most over rated virtue? Punctuality and ‘busyness’.
  22. On what occasion do you lie? I never lie.
  23. What is your preferred drink? Straight scotch on the rocks.
  24. What do you most dislike about your appearance? All of it.
  25. What do you most like about your appearance? All of it.
  26. Are you good at keeping secrets? Like a steal trap.
  27. What is the last message that you sent? The more I think that I shouldn’t feel this sad the more sad I feel.
  28. Do you have any weird party tricks? Meet ya in the bathroom to find out.
  29. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? The community of internet (and now irl) women, that have started sticking up and showing up for each other in a bad ass way. Solidarity, friendship, witchcraft.
  30. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?  Where is the buried treasure at?
  31. Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you? Dreams have a funny way of creating and satisfying desire in the same instant, my whole life is one long cycle of dreaming and procuring.
  32. What is your most treasured memory? climbing inside of my own womb to say listen to my unborn child.
  33. What is your most terrible memory? pretending to be fine.
  34. What role does love and affection play in your life? usually the harbinger of bad news.
  35. Have you made any recent acts of kindness? I gave a cigarette to a stranger.
  36. What is the quality you most like in a man? not afraid of his feminine side.
  37. What is the quality you most like in a woman? not afraid of her masculine side.
  38. Which words or phrases do you most over use? Relateable, I’m sorry, where is trouble at, I’m running late, I fucked up.
  39. What or who is the greatest love of your life? My broken heart.
  40. When did you last cry in public? This morning.
  41. How close and warm is your family? Spread around the globe, still in touch.
  42. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? We speak regularly, share a lot, and she can drink straight whiskey better than I can.
  43. If you could change anything about the way you were raised what would it be? I would have liked to be raised on a remote island among the stars.
  44. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? My fragile ego.
  45. What do you like on pizza? Everything has it’s time and place, but the dough is the most important part.
  46. Have you ever had a dream come true? I did, and then it turned out to be a nightmare.
  47. How often do you change your underwear? I don’t wear underwear.
  48. What do you know by heart? A bit of shakespeare, some poetry, a few rap lyrics, and a lot of nonsense.
  49. When and where were you happiest? Riding the bus for hours deep into the night by myself.
  50. Which talent would you most like to have? Exceptional cunning linguist.
  51. If you could change one thing about yourself? I would like to be a quiet sensitive type.
  52. How often do you say ‘I love you’ and mean it? Often and Always.
  53. Is there anything or anyone that you would die for? My cat.
  54. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? A double bubble comic strip.
  55. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about how you are living now? It hardly seems sudden if I have a year’s advance notice, but if I knew it most certainly I would retreat into the woods far away from society to die alone.
  56. Of all the people in your family whose death would you find the most disturbing? Why? My oldest sister because I haven’t had much of a chance to know her yet.
  57. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? Probably in a great deal of pain, possibly delusional.
  58. Do you believe in a higher power? I am the highest power.
  59. How many times a day do you think of death? 3 – 4 times
  60. How many times a day do you think of sex? 3 – 4 times
  61. Do you put others needs before yourself? I am working on being less self effacing in altruistic impulses.
  62. What are three things you would need to survive solitary confinement? A great deal of Shakespeare, Rumi, Cohen, and Vincent memorized, sun salutations or other modified physical routines, an unanswered question.
  63.  How are the things arranged in your room? Haphazardly.
  64. How would you describe your personal aesthetic?  Manic depressive Gemini with a dramatic flare.
  65. What is the most luxurious thing you have ever bought for yourself? Either a trip to South America or my vibrator.
  66. What are your most visited websites right now? Facebook, Twitter, Slutever, Free Will Astrology, Seeking Arrangement, Dominos online delivery, WordPress, Spotify, Youtube.
  67. What are your most played albums right now? Aesop Rock – Impossible Kid, Anna Wise – The Feminine: Act 1, Astronautalis – Cut the Body Loose, Factor – Factoria, Braids – Deep in the Iris, Mitski – Lush, Kitten Forever – Pressure.
  68. What do you value most in your friends? Honesty.
  69. What do you value most in a lover? Patience.
  70. What are your favorite names? Theodore, Eleanor, Esther.
  71. What are your your favourite smells? Lilacs in the rain, my own body odour, fresh coffee.
  72. Who are your favourite writers? Herman Hesse, Sylvia Plath, Joey Comeau, Tom Robbinson, Judith Thompson.
  73. What are your favourite films? The Lobster, Ghost World, Frida, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Pi.
  74. Who do you want to see collaborate on a project? Julie Taymor, Tanya Tagaq, and Grimes create a piece split between Nunavut and Nevada.
  75. Who is your hero of fiction? Lyra Belacqua.
  76. Who are your heroes in real life? Lia Pas, Nina Simone, Isadora Duncan, Lily Baldwin, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Frida Kahlo.
  77. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Joan of Arc.
  78. How would your friends describe you? Your drive and vision inspire me to grapple with my own unfulfilled creative designs and your progressive nature forces me to question my own simplest assumptions.
  79. What makes life easier? spread sheets, automatic bill payments, do not disturb features, wifi on my phone, cloud sharing and streaming, no voicemail.
  80. What stresses you out? having to say no to good opportunities that aren’t the right opportunities, getting paid what I’m worth, small talk, unfinished business, false intimacy.
  81. What turns you on? whispered secrets, fierce kisses, gentle reminders, strong arms, wet surprises, rigorous desire.
  82. What motivates you? Insatiable curiosity, sense of competition, a lot of self torment.
  83. What is the first thing you think of in the morning? My dreams.
  84. What is the last thing you think of at night? My love.
  85. What is one thing you can’t live without? Champagne.
  86. Do you serve your money or does your money serve you? I sleep on it like a dragon.
  87. How have you changed in the last five years? I’ve become more grounded, less urgent, more charming, less charmed, more fickle, less fearful.
  88. Where do you want to be in 5 years? On the other side of the world, alone unto myself, growing my wisdom.
  89. Where do you want to be in 10 years? In bed, of a room of my own, with a young lover, and no consumer obligations.
  90. What would you tell your younger self? Spend less time trying to fix cracks, and more time breaking expectations.
  91.  Do you take people’s advice? Only what is given from the heart.
  92. What do you consider your greatest achievement? I am still here trying to make something of it.
  93. Where do you find peace? In the quiet moments between the pages or between the sheets.
  94. What is it that you most dislike? Being told to calm down.
  95. What lessons in life did you learn the hard way? Never give your pin to a drug addict.
  96. What is your greatest regret? Not learning more about my great grandmother while my granddad was alive.
  97. How would you like to die? Without much fan fare.
  98. How would you like to be remembered? A drop in the sea, the sea in a drop.
  99. What is your motto? My intensity brings me great joy.
  100. Thinking of the last question is just too much pressure for me, if you aren’t utterly sick of hearing me talk about myself by now you are free to ask the last question in the comments, or offer some of your own answers, I don’t know why I agreed to do this anymore, I’m going to go make pizza and cry in bed now (jk?) bye.
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poetic nonsense

There is something inside of me I can not reach with all your fancy do-dads and knick knacks for propping up my inflated sense of self importance. Is it true that if you squint long enough the goddess will appear to me between these half scrawled lines and unfinished invitations. Do I care anymore?

My heart longs to be discovered by one who cares to take it out of the cellophane packaging. Discounted meat on a styrofoam tray. Molding to the light under your waiting gaze.

Poetic logic got me this far but then it took off running down the alley like a jack rabbit and left me all muddled and confused with my panties around my ankles.

Do you love me in the morning when I wake with burning questions emblazoned across my eyelids beckoning to me like mirages of past pharaohs and queens yet undeveloped?

Do you love me in the afternoon when the wind has knocked through my crooked teeth reminding me that everything I say is sawdust and drag my fingers bloody down the cauterizing streets filled with bustling poppy shite and dazzling conformity?

Do you love me in the evening when the rage seethes through my hair and sparks up conversation carousing with the steadfast loneliness caged behind my soft stomach falling between the appointed hip bones scolding me to forget what I can not?

Do you love me in the nighttime when the quiet stillness consumes my bones as if to feverishly destroy the unequal balance I have striven to uphold in the event of an unknown sacrifice that would sink my tears like daggers into the snow white lamb of truth?

Do you love me to be me in all my silly ramblings, the ones like these that pour out to comfort me in times of dire unrest, and do you love me when quiet conviction turns into an unsettling roar to shake the rafters and upset the bed posts in melodic direst? Is this all too much for you my dear? do you have the faintest clue what I’m talking about? Because I certainly don’t but I would love to know. I would love to be loved by you, and loved by me which will hopefully feed one and the same undying love and passion that we may both keep warm by.

But if that is not what you want from me then turn forth and be gone I shan’t look again for that small token of affection to keep me through the night. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal and poetic reason is the only one I know. If you can’t love me in my most obscure and ornery then how can I trust you with those precious few docile reprieves.

Feel free to call me foolish and fickle, I will fault you not.

But know that these are my terms and I will be loved on them.

*********

I don’t remember writing this, but I found it on my phone from about a month ago, I like the way it trips off the tongue.

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Anxiety’s mistress

I’m afraid of myselfAnxiety has my mind reeling

My body seems to have settled into that post panic state where calm feels too calm because my heart has been racing for so long

All my senses acutely awake tuned in for that next possible infringement that could be my undoing

Overly sensitive yes I am in fact hyper aware of my internal and external environment so that I feel the effects of their slow poisoning that much more brutally

Because my vulnerability is a gift not a sin to be rendered onto the aggressively desensitized masculine gaze which “knows best”

However one of these days my heart will fall apart in my hands like so much soggy tissue paper after it’s been put through the ringer one too many times

Colours bleeding together in the wash a rich shade of blah maybe later when I’m not so busy

I will have time to stop and solve the lock that’s been stuck on this locker full of abandoned romances and half solved mysteries that aches in my chest

When the sun goes down and I’m faced with the mortality of even this day I find my whole body shakes to attention in a brutal show of vivacious self defense

Fight or flight

Fight or flight

Fight or flight

But mostly freeze so I can take in painfully short breath like it’s my last 

And hold it ferociously right in my chest that’s locked in searing pain as the lump in my throat thrusts forth against my cortisol addled brain like it might burst forth into a fire cracker to celebrate the personal failings I’ve been trying to out run for so long

This is all that’s left of me now this hollowed shell that used to feel something for myself 

I am a stone at the River bed

Run smooth with care

Of changing waters

Moving too quickly for me to grasp

But always present 

A reassuring torrent

Of possibility

Or fear

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5x what the hell am I doing

I didn’t really put any thought this week into a 5x list. I had thought at one point this list would be easy to fill with snippets of things that I’ve looked over for the Dinner Tables project which will be presenting on Monday, and although it is certainly filling all of my sleepless nights (eight day anxiety attacks are so much fun in case you were wondering) I of course can’t find (don’t have time) a single link that informed the process. So instead I’ve put together a mad person’s list of things that are reeling through my  brain lately quite unrelated to the project. If you can not tell I am a wreck these days, an utter wreck, and I apologize profusely to those that have had to deal with me. Read with a tall glass of gin in the bath if you love yourself a lot.

Enjoy

  1. Life Skills: What To Do If Someone Is Crying In Public via Rookie – side note I would love to see someone write the same article for what to do if you witness domestic abuse on the street as I’ve been on both sides of that exchange and I still have no clue what an appropriate response would be.
  2. Maya Angelou recites her poem “Phenomenal Woman” via Brain Pickings
  3. To The Girl Who Wanted All or Nothing via Artparasites
  4. Sister Blanche – When Drugs Become a Cult via Weird Canada
  5. Breathless: Is Having Feelings Embarassing? via Vouge – in my limited experience yes always and that’s half the fun
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Morose Texts from Last Night the Sequel

I need help finding the broken pieces of myself can you come over?

I locked myself out of my heart again, slept in the cold </3

New tinder profile: seeking someone to watch Netflix and hold me while I cry DTF

I’m loosing my heart to the sea

what’s good for the goose isnt’ always good for the gander

pretty sure soul mates are made up of the pieces of yourself you shed along the way

I am the glue keeping the cracks together 

First date: brazenly drunk. Second date: painfully shy. Third date: soul mates. Stops texting you back. Rinse & repeat

I only have two settings and both of them are tongue tied

the greatest romance is with my own broken heart

My type is the sad lonely artist types who can’t love me back

New tinder profile: seeking a poet who doesn’t slobber when he makes love

 the kind of girl with a lover for each of her neurosis 

can’t sleep my feelings will get me, you?

My hobbies include dwelling on the past and using it to sabotage my future 

Googled my symptoms came up with malignant tumor of fear of rejection and self hatred

I just called to say I’m over you is code for when are you coming back

I’m concerned about you is code for the amount of details you share about your breakdowns on the internet makes me uncomfortable with my own secrets

It burns me up to feel this way about your icy shoulder

New tinder profile: if I knew how to accept the loneliness I wouldn’t be on here

I’m not worried he will hit me again I’m worried I won’t be able to feel love if he doesn’t

Failure is the only option that feels right

I can’t hold your hand bcz I’m too busy holding my heart together 

I built my home in the scary place so I wouldn’t have to run as far to chase my demons

It takes a lot of courage to drown your sorrows like puppies

text u 😭😢😪 bcz I’m dead inside and can’t shed real tears

Maybe only broken ppl know how to love my broken pieces

Nightmares about you holding her hand again

heart starting to dissolve into sweet nothings YOLO

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Free style in the key of a minor

Speaking in semantics

Late night manic antics

Scrawling out so frantic

Because this flow is automatic

Locked tranquility in the attic

Nothing on the radio but static

These shakes are symptomatic

Of larger systematic

Issues

Pull thru

Lies true

Miss you

Sick too

Means boo

These verses

Barely scratch the surface

Lost with no purpose

Looking worse still

New tries

Low highs

Long good byes

Watery eyes

Deep heart sighs

*********

Discovered in a note on my phone where I keep the half baked/drunk/over emotional texts that I don’t send from about two months ago while going through a shitty break up (is there another kind?) shared here because it’s actually kind of pretty.

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