5x haunted hallows

A powerful resin of energy is waiting to be released. Right in my chest. Already a morbidly dark time of year fascinated equally by death and celebration, and my mood is no lighter for it. Unripe fruit spoiled by holy ghosts. Winter’s icy grip at our throats. This hallowed ground where forgotten blood baths lay. Here are some things I’ve been considering in the witching hours.

1. For Northern Girls via Moontime Warrior an important poem inspired by these tragic events, and breaking today a fifth death
2. Chelsea Wolfe – Unknown Rooms: A Collection of Acoustic Songs via Spotify
3. New Moon in Scorpio Spells inspired by Pam Bustin who shared this post here
4. Playing God via Radiolab
5. Silent Era – Punching Out The Poison via Chelsea Martin of Man Meat infamy

5x self love

I’ve been participating in the 7 day self love challenge over on facebook. While I might reprise some of that writing here for y’all, meanwhile I wanted to share some links to things that I’ve been contemplating as I spend some time lovingly navel gazing.

1. Nobel Winning Physicist Frank Wilczek on Complementarity as the Quantum of Life and Why Reality is Woven of Opposing Truths  via Brain Pickings
2. Solo-Polyamory, Singleish, Single & Poly via Psychology Today
3. Our Individual-Collective Midnight Anxieties via dear soul Kyle Golemba
4. How to Flush Negative and Draining Emotions Before They Lead to Physical Illness via Hearty Soul
5. Gabor Mate: The Myth of Normal via Crazywise
6. Bonus: Tonight I will be completeing Danielle Ayoka’s Full Moon ritual. You can read more about it here

Dreaming of a caring economy

I dreamt about holding my mom while she ugly cried. About her letting tears roll in ugly sobs. Of holding her & stroking her hair while she shoke with each painful breath. Of her feeling so small & helpless in my arms. I couldn’t calm your fears.

Before that we were in the kitchen after a big meal I was late too. Everyone clinking glasses & merry. I chewed hubba bubba gum too big for my mouth. My words were awkward around the slippery mass. You didn’t mind. You picked me up by the thighs & carried me up the many flights of stairs. You told me that you loved me & always will while you set me on top of cabinet 6 ft high. I was skeptical that you meant any of it, but your words were so velvety rich & reassuring. Resting your hand on my knee we talked for longer than it seemed. I got gum stuck in your hair which shone redder than usual in the bedroom light. As I carefully & tenderly groomed the pieces from your hair I knew you meant these promises this time.We talked about how living at home is weird, and the state of the job market. About family & music, old friends & new ones. You’re reassuring gaze never leaving mine.

Just as I let my gaurd down & placed my trust back in your hands, mom came to call me subtly distraught to the other room. As you waved from the bottom of the stairs I had no idea that I would not see you again.

First snow fall

My heart is at home in the wet flakes that coat the black city in dreamy slumber.

Ice cold winds sting the cheeks like bitter promises too sweet to keep. 

There is a familiar resonance to as winter makes her grand entrance. She doesn’t play for keeps, this is just a taste of her white wonderland. Tomorrow will be grey slush & tepid salutations. 

In the middle of the night everything hangs perfectly crystal serene. As home settles into my heart for the year. My bones welcome the aches & chill if only for the thrill of being alive trying to start a fire in such a frigid place.

Count snowflakes on the glass. Each one a wish. Longing for those long silent nights walking arms crossed following a single star calling with my name on it.

Holy in her transience.

Melting stars on my tongue.

Wishing on light passing.

The snow will be gone by morning.

Amen

Sober September

Last night at midnight I had my first beer in a month. It tasted good, but not as good as I remembered. It helped pass the time as we visited after a night of music & dancing, but it didn’t improve my enjoyment of the night noticeably. 

I didn’t want to make a big deal about committing to sober September because I didn’t want to come across healthier than thou, but also because I wasn’t sure what kind of statement that would be making about my life. Part of me was also a little afraid I would not be able to do it. I’ve never attempted a complete cleanse before. what if I really was in denial about how much I drink? What if I had become dependent without realizing it? What if my social life evaporated? What if I realized I didn’t like myself without the alcohol?

In short: it was fine.

Nothing really dramatic changed. I was still depressed, still thought about death too much, still had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, still went out to see shows at bars with friends and danced and had fun, still said wildly inappropriate things over text, I even tried to date and flirt a bit. In short it was a pretty average month except I was a little more acutely aware of the pain of existence, and I saved a couple hundred dollars.

 It also allowed me to admit that I am actually sick. I am deeply depressed & anxious. Drinking certainly doesn’t help alleviate my depression, but it isn’t the source of it either. I need to seek separate support for my mental health beyond just making healthier choices. It did reassure me that I am in control of my life. I might live on the edge occasionally, but I accomplish the goals I set my mind to with ease.

Over all I think it was a successful month. Not a lifestyle change I can imagine subscribing to in the long run, but a practice I plan to maintain awareness of going into the long winter nights.