26

I have not always been sure of my success, but I am here today to realize it in all my glory. 

My goal for the next 6 months is to move to Montreal and secure a sustainable income in order to presue my dreams of building an internationally recognized performance arts career by the age of 35.

The last year has been one year long celebration of life. Finding the joy in the everyday, and relishing being alive in this body, with these experiences, surrounded by so many kind hearts. There has been such doubt, and yet I am still here. Surviving.

Twenty-six is about making bold moves.

I am taking the first baby step towards my nine year goal, and endeavouring to put my best foot forward on this journey. I am (re)committing here to my goals for the year to help me along this path.

First, I honour my highest self through these commitments

1. I commit to 10 minutes of seated meditation in the morning before I start my day

2. I commit to 10 minutes yoga asana, particularly inversions & heart openers, everyday 

3. I commit to 10 minutes of silence with my journal everyday

4. I commit to being mindful of how I am nourishing my body on a daily basis 

5. I commit to practice the O Divine Mother prayer every morning & every night

In addition to these commitments I seek to begin to release the following obstacles as I seek to know myself more deeply 

6. I release patterns of emotional repression & disassociation habits in order to get to know the transformational power of my emotional self

7. I release patterns of negative self talk to practice compassionate truth speaking towards myself & others

8. I release generational fears that keep me small & too shy to know my true expansiveness 

9. I release my limiting beliefs around money so that I may value my time & energy appropriately 

10. I release the pain that I am holding onto to defend myself with in order to write my next chapter in bold ink 

I offer gratitude for all of the blessings already heaped before me, and invite these goals into my life in alignment with my highest good, and the highest good of all involved. I hereby release any dense stale energy that clouds my judgement in reaching my goals, and banish any bonds of failure throughout time & space that would prevent me from realizing my truth & transforming my life in accordance with natural divine order. And so it is.

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Who are you bringing up?

What does it look like to share resources with those that have not had equal access to them when everyone at the table is facing cut backs? How do we move past the fear scarcity complexs push our minds towards and look to one another to create abundance with what we have? When will there be another opportunity to give back if we do not create one now? 

I learned a new phrase today “opportunity hoarding” I think it is an important one. It creates a vivid image certainly. And it relates to something I have been thinking more about in relation to what is leadership? 

I don’t think that leadership is synonymous with power, and in fact I think many of our most influential leaders have been born out of disenfranchisement with people in positions of power. It would be great if those who held offices that determined national laws & global relationships were gifted leaders as well, but more often than not they are just specially trained workers fulfilling the duties of office as listed in any other job description. 

None of that is revolutionary information. 

I’ve known since a young age that I have the gift of leadership. I have a vision of where I want to get to & make decisive actions to manifest it. When I  am of pure intention people naturally want to listen to what I have to say. There is a comfort in having a direction for the herd to look towards while we co-create this future, and I don’t mind being that focus point as called upon. 

However, I am also conscious that some of the reasons I may be called upon are not of my own making. I’m a able bodied thin traditionally pretty cis-gender white girl that was afforded many educational advantages in ways many of my peers have not. There are certain things that grants me access to, and certain things that denies me, but it’s part of my reality all the same. 

I have been awarded nearly every grant I have ever applied for because I am well spoken & have high artistic integrity, but also because I had access to education & mentors that told me what grants were available, how to position myself, and encouraged me to apply. 

I was able to land a secure full time job with benefits with no university degree because I am highly intelligent & hard working, but also because my mom went to college with a woman who had connections to my boss that recommended me.

I have written, created, and independently produced 12 pieces from poetry books to theatre to dance. Which undoubtedly took a lot of work, personal resources, and perserverance on my part, but was also made easier because of real tangible opportunities that were presented to me because of my position in life.

I don’t know who I beat out for those grants. I don’t know why there were not more women of colour programmed at the festival that selected my work. I don’t know why I have had the good fortune of meeting so many wonderful mentors when some peers work in relative isolation.

And it’s a problem that I don’t know why. It’s my problem. That I can fix.

I can’t wait for society to level the playing fields. I need to be working consciously to reach out now to make sure those opportunities are getting around. It isn’t about hand holding or lowering my creative integrity, but about looking around to see who else is struggling to get work seen. I can ask myself what tools & resources I have to help them achieve their goals, not my goals, and spread the opportunities so that more amazing artists have a chance to make their come up.

This is what I view as my work as a leader. This is what I view as my work as an artist. This is what I view as my work as a person.

My challenge to myself this year is to be more conscious of where my creative resources are going to ensure that opportunities are not being hoarded beneath me, and that the energy I am investing is helping facilitate the flow of more resources to many rather than a few. Particularly to my women & femme creators & all the other intersections there within. This year has powerful feminine energy. It’s time we collectively make a come up.

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Resolutions 2017

Better late than never. Here is a comprehensive list of the promises that I am making myself this year, in no particular order:

  • I live with death constantly, what can I grow out of that consciousness?
  • Be more conscious of presumptive genders, gendered expectations, and pronoun identification when encountering the world. .
  • Practice specificity in language.
  • Practice gratitude & acceptance starting with my own perceived lack.
  • Welcome abundance & wealth.
  • Clean my world lens with non-judgemental observation.
  • Find more ways to support women & femme creators above & beyond the white feminist few that circulate. Open more doors for new voices. Shoulder tap. Invite in. Make welcome. Encourage. Listen to. Lift up.
  • Value my time, energetic, emotional, mental, and material resources as highly precious & limited. Share with discretion & generosity of spirit to things that matter. Stop taking on the labor of men & masc causes in order to justify my value to society.
  • Make a MESS: meditate, eat breakfast, scribble, stretch.
  • Ask more questions of my insecurities.
  • Have more scary conversations with people that intimidate me.
  • Cry more. Tough it out less.
  • Pray everyday through gentle focus & mindful attention.
  • Invite more resilient creative feminine energy.
  • In 2016 I learned to identify my boundaries & in 2017 I want to learn to better communicate them firmly & lovingly.
  • In 2016 I found my creative voice & in 2017 I want to refine it through persistent curiousity.
  • In 2016 I found the people that fill me up & in 2017 I want to find ways to serve our collective higher good.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more travel.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more collaboration.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more celebration.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more alignment.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more security.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more adventure.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more love.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more peace of mind.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more health.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more wealth.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more inspired action.
  • In 2017 I want to invite more divine creation.
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End of the year goals

Checking in my New Years resolutions I’m feeling really good about the place I’m at. Feel very on target & happy with results. That being said there are always a few loose ends to wrap up as well as seeds to plant for the coming year.

My personal goals aka a recipe to flourish:

  • Paint/draw/craft 12 fruits & flowers in 12 weeks
  • Play more bass, write more songs
  • Cook more meals with less meat, consume less alcohol/intoxicants, practice mindful consumption for 8 months
  • Adjust morning rituals to darker season
  • Publish book of poetry, throw a party to celebrate (November)
  • Create dance/video collaboration in bloom (December)
  • Meditate, journal, observation, contemplation, yoga, mindful body work, presence, gentle focus, careful attention, joyful curiosity
  • Leave time for more reading, laughing, loving, hand holding, sharing, listening, dreaming

Community goals aka a offering for tomorrow:

  • Next stage of development for SPC engaging with membership to build thriving community results by May
  • Alt alt producing & mentoring learning cycle – a celebration of weirdos cummulate in January
  • Join international mentorship program (December)
  • Continue to support friends and cultivate strong bonds with women/non-binary folks

Professional goals aka ambition’s map:

  • Spend time catching up on administrative details that have escaped (December)
  • Build portfolio, documentation, and website (March)
  • Develop alternate revenue streams (November)
  • Continue to reach out and build bridges between creatives & businesses 
  • Keep saying no to offers that don’t make sense to leave room for the opportunities that excite me
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2016 resolve

2015: I broke open my heart, and a million tiny pieces fell out. The winds scattered these pieces to Montreal, Calgary, Ottawa, Ness Creek, Vancouver, Victoria, and Banff . It tasted like old books, sweaty bodies, frozen lemonade, and bloody knuckles. My heart returned to me emptied of ambition and full of longing to start fresh.

With a clean slate I seek to invite a year of yin; yielding, receiving, relaxing, and reflecting. May this renew my strength and courage to travel to new heights in the coming months/years.

My 2016 resolutions in no particular order:

~ practice saying no more in order to create space for yes

~ spend more time feeling, making room to acknowledge these feelings, work with them instead of against them, so they can be desolved and let go

~ listen more closely, notice more detailedly, open more deeply

~ fuel my life with millions of tiny acts of radical self love

~ take more time away from the city, in nature, in parks, in forests, and the beach

~ restart my meditation practice, my life drawing practice, my yoga practice, my tea practice, my journal practice, my life when no one is watching 

~ remember how to forgive and be kind, not everything is going to hurt forever 

~ read more biographies, memoirs, and life works of and by women

~ embrace the finality of life in order to fill every drop of it, die when ready or not here I come

~ take time to deepen relationships and forge new collaborations with people who inspire me

~  live boldly, gently, curiously, gloriously, bravely, intentionally

January 2nd edit: New bonus resolution stolen from the incomparable Alexandra Roxo of the beloved Be Here Nowish (make it your resolution to watch it here

~ no more arguements or heavy conversations over text, let’s talk it out in person or in beautiful snail mail, I love you too much 

2015 year in review

my year in review: Montreal street art, moving home with my brother, Ghost River Theatre intensive, Magnetic North in Ottawa, sculpture at Vancouver Museum, Finn and I rocking Vampire Beat, new headshots/haircut, Dinner Tables first meeting, home tours with Mammilian Diving Reflex and Swallow a Bicycle Theatre in Banff

 

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