5x rest in power

The events in Charlottesville are still reverberating around the world, and the legacy of white supremacist violence lives on unchallenged by the state. At home I am thinking about the anti racism billboard campaign that managed to enrage local white supremacists and "law abiding" racists alike. At the time of the release every public forum seemed to be flooded with a rage fuelled by fear of self reflection. Neighbours openly argued for racism (and against the campaign) unmasked and unashamed. Often with inconspicuous statements like "the city has better things to spend tax payer money on" moving the financial burden of education, let alone reparations, from the white public benefiting from the system to the individuals affected and their allies. As far as I know no direct violence erupted because of the ideological clash of the billboards, however I may be one of the last to know if there were as a white woman living and working in white neighbourhoods. Without obvious flair ups of violence such as the one in Charlottesville it's easy to fail to adequately comprehend the daily violence of white supremacy and everyday "casual" racism. I know that I have failed when I feel my "shock" in spite of reading daily about the worsening conditions in the U.S. and at home. I know that I have failed when I feel "afraid" for my future because of violence and prejudices that have effected other folks for generations. I know that I have failed when I feel "hopeless" in the face of dismantling 500 odd years of systematic violence from my relative position of power. I know that I have failed when I let my empathy for my fellow human's pain immobilize my body in "sadness" rather than extend a hand in loving service. I know that I have failed many times over, and yet I am here dedicated to the perseverance of love over hate, of knowledge over ignorance, of action over reaction, of peace over suffering. Today I share a few things that I am reading and considering as I face the shadows of myself betwixt the eclipses darkened sight. Rest in power to those fallen in service of compassion, peace, love, and justice.

  1. The Case for Reparations via The Atlantic
  2. Dear White People: I Want You to Understand Yourselves Better via The Establishment
  3. The Similarities Between Canada's Temporary Foreign Worker Program and Slavery via Huffington Post
  4. Indigenous Perspectives of Canada's 150 via APTN
  5. A Seat At The Table by Solange
  6. Donate to Support Charlottesville
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5x infinite game

Lazy Sunday pondering the infinite. Happy Leo new moon 💕

1. Cradle to Cradle Design via Ted
2. Chance The Rapper on Tiny Desk Series via NPR
3.What happens when a pastor goes poly? Via the insightful Anne Barker
4. The Yarn Film now on Netflix
5. Karma action & results

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26

I have not always been sure of my success, but I am here today to realize it in all my glory. 

My goal for the next 6 months is to move to Montreal and secure a sustainable income in order to presue my dreams of building an internationally recognized performance arts career by the age of 35.

The last year has been one year long celebration of life. Finding the joy in the everyday, and relishing being alive in this body, with these experiences, surrounded by so many kind hearts. There has been such doubt, and yet I am still here. Surviving.

Twenty-six is about making bold moves.

I am taking the first baby step towards my nine year goal, and endeavouring to put my best foot forward on this journey. I am (re)committing here to my goals for the year to help me along this path.

First, I honour my highest self through these commitments

1. I commit to 10 minutes of seated meditation in the morning before I start my day

2. I commit to 10 minutes yoga asana, particularly inversions & heart openers, everyday 

3. I commit to 10 minutes of silence with my journal everyday

4. I commit to being mindful of how I am nourishing my body on a daily basis 

5. I commit to practice the O Divine Mother prayer every morning & every night

In addition to these commitments I seek to begin to release the following obstacles as I seek to know myself more deeply 

6. I release patterns of emotional repression & disassociation habits in order to get to know the transformational power of my emotional self

7. I release patterns of negative self talk to practice compassionate truth speaking towards myself & others

8. I release generational fears that keep me small & too shy to know my true expansiveness 

9. I release my limiting beliefs around money so that I may value my time & energy appropriately 

10. I release the pain that I am holding onto to defend myself with in order to write my next chapter in bold ink 

I offer gratitude for all of the blessings already heaped before me, and invite these goals into my life in alignment with my highest good, and the highest good of all involved. I hereby release any dense stale energy that clouds my judgement in reaching my goals, and banish any bonds of failure throughout time & space that would prevent me from realizing my truth & transforming my life in accordance with natural divine order. And so it is.

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Change of seasons

Things that I don’t feel like doing anymore & don’t know why:

  1. Drinking alcohol to get drunk
  2. Making accommodations for relationships that don’t fuel me
  3. Putting on the pretence of happiness
  4. Taking nudes & selfies
  5. Getting angry over the news
  6. Holding space for people not invested in my well being 
  7. Working myself to the bone
  8. Working for free
  9. Skipping meals
  10. Putting myself second

Things that I am craving & I don’t know why:

  1. Time alone uninterrupted
  2. Time in silence among the trees
  3. Slow jams & female vocalists
  4. Non-violent TV & media
  5. Tidy living space
  6. Manual labor
  7. Wholistic foods & meals
  8. Meaningful connections
  9. Patience in thoughts
  10. Opportunity to grow new roots

Things that I am doing & I don’t know why:

  1. Looking forward to going to work
  2. Giving up on detailed long term plans
  3. Posting less on social media
  4. Reading less & consuming less media
  5. Talking to the point of excess with people near me
  6. Thinking to the point of excess about how my actions are impacting others
  7. Snapping at people I am not close to over small inconveniences 
  8. Feeling guilty for not taking care of everyone around me at the expense of myself
  9. Unable to formulate thoughts & ideas into complete written words
  10. Looking for reasons to base how I feel off of

Things that I am not doing & I don’t know why:

  1. Sitting down to meditate
  2. Talking to my friends about how I’m feeling
  3. Writing 
  4. Practicing yoga at home
  5. Working on my creative pursuits
  6. Looking for another job
  7. Concerning myself about finances 
  8. Feeling depressed, suicidal, or hopeless
  9. Starting new projects or latching onto new ideas
  10. Longing for something or someone that is not already here with me
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5x bold ink

A few things coming to me lately 

  1. Swami Radha on the Divine Mother via Yasodhara Ashram
  2. Albert Camus on the essential question of life via Brain Pickings
  3. A Seat At The Table via Solange in light of her recent performance 
  4. Baked French Toast via Smitten Kitchen
  5. What If We Admitted to Children Sex is Primarily About Pleasure? I saved this article last week, and forgot about it until it turned up in a dream today explaining sex & pleasure to my brother in context of becoming a superhero 
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5x good morning

A tool kit for a good morning, enjoy.

  1. M x Blouse debut EP Bloom via SoundCloud 
  2. Taurus Super Moon Ritual via The Hood Witch
  3. Tanya Tagaq’s latest video 
  4. How Oakland’s Experimental Music Scene Became Queerer, Browner, and More Femme via BandCamp
  5. Jessica Zollman via The Great Discontent
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I don’t live here any more

Wearing the crystal that my grandma bought me writing down my new moon intentions in the sage smoke I practice saying good bye again. There are red & blue flashing lights across the school yard yet the street seems blessedly calm just before midnight. The room feels warm & inviting like a secret. Fleeting in its beauty. The cat is sitting on the edge of the bed eyes half open dozing. The cat is drunk on the calm too. Sirens wail in the distance but the lights had moved on. The city at night was so lush & intoxicating even in a town of 300,000 people or so. There was room to breathe here. Right here in this bachelor apartment in fact. One tiny room in the attic of an old white house facing east to where the sun would be rising over the city in six hours. The large picture window was never quite drawn. There were countless hours I had spent looking out it at nothing in particular. I think I would have been lonely if I closed it. This window had become the window into my soul where I watched the days unfold for hours. It was really what made me feel like I was home more than anything else. How I would miss climbing the stairs through the dark waiting for the soft glow of street lamps through the glass to welcome me. I sat in the chairs beside the window as one would sit and listen to a surmon at the church across the street. These four walls too had sheltered me from enough storms tempered both by internal & external winds. A quiet little sanctuary on Avenue H that you would hardly notice walking by. Here tucked into my cozy nook of the world I had begun to learn to become myself. As if I need any reason to fall in love with this room more, yet even on the final night it fills be with honeysuckle memories. A room of my own. A room that my mother helped me furnish. A room that my father could not stand up in. A room up three flights of stairs & through two dead bolted doors. Secure. A feeling I hadn’t been recently acquainted to when I took the room three years ago. It gave me room to grow roots a little. To tread softly between the broken edges. To imagine what life could be like outside my little room. In the end that’s what took me away from here. Not fear, or pain, or promise, but hope. A little seed of hope that I had picked up somewhere along the way, which just lacked the care & attention of hundreds of hours devoted to its realization; that it was meant to be more than a seed in a hole or a charming attic apartment, it was meant to sprout. The green candle burned steadily through the night illuminating the last of the posters on the wall: an astronaut butterfly set to discover the unknown, an awkward portrait from gentle fingers, a constant reminder, a landscape blurred by love, a picture of me holding a baby in a wooden frame. Out of view but equally illuminated one picture of three friends embracing, one now dead, one across the country, and the other unreachable, a postcard with a rose & a love poem written on it, a wedding invitation hand drawn three years ago, a picture of a pirate holding up her knife under a scrap of magazine which read we’d have a laugh coz we’re all mates, and a hand scrawled note on a scrap of paper which promised you’re wonderful. On the table beside the bed the tokens continued: two bottles of essential oils (lavender & citrus), one lighter & half a joint, a black tin with pink flowers, a crystal candle holder with green candle, $20,000 bank note from Vietnam, an owl, a card that read determination is so beautiful, a doll from Bolivia of an old woman smoking a pipe, a purple poach of white sage, a golden Buddha with most of his features rubbed off, three photographs of people smiling, a purple notebook and 108 malla beads. In the entire of the house there was not much left, but these things were the last to go because they wanted to say goodbye too. In so much as any assortment of gobbledegook can have anything at all to say to a room with four walls & a large picture window. If I were to put away these things & walk out into the street I would loose all of my context that binds me to this one continuous life. I would become a nomad undefined by the the things I surround myself with instead defined by all the things that I can do without. I have thought of this before, however it is always the most appealing to fantasize about on the eve of a big move. As the train goes by out the window I can see myself climbing aboard to destination unknown. It is always much harder to stay & say good bye. Which is why I am quite fond of them. The ending of all things is inevitable, and so I hope I get to show up for the death of each one of them. Again, and again, and again the heart breaks. And again, and again, and once again the heart continues to beat. What could be more magical than the repetition of this pattern. A seedling sprouts her wings. A room that can, even bare, witness this miraculous transformation humbly full of calm radiant glow.


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