Ritual is very important to me. I was not raised religiously which is perhaps why learning about other customs was so fascinating. Unified words, actions in order, shaped over time, generation to generation. There is something significant that there is a world wide tradition in observing repetition even if the specifics change. It’s meaningful to me.
When I was a girl I dreamed of taking a twelve day silent retreat away from the world to go deep inside of myself and discover the secrets lying there. In my vision I would meditate in silence for twelve days with only my writing and nature to keep me company culminating in a all night vigil surrounded by my nearest and dearest dancing my way into my golden year. It didn’t happen like that of course. I didn’t have the control over my space or my schedule enough to create that kind of solemnity of festivities, but it’s an image I’ve held on to. A dream of a dream of a dream.
This year is my diamond year. A sparkling reminder of what might be discovered in the dark depths. A glimmer concealed in the pressures of shifting tectonic plates. Minerals crystallize. Sharp. Bright. Strong. I now have a room of my own where I am sole master o’er my domain, and very little responsibility to those outside of it.
The time is ripe to revisit that dream.
Twenty-five days & twenty-five nights.
I am taking a vow to come unto myself in solemn reverie.
What would it be like to live my life only for me?
A devoted practice of self.
The thought feels intoxicatingly delicious!
Is this a vow of silence? Kind of.
Is this a vow of stillness? Closer.
This is a vow of oneness.
To inhabit myself fully and accept perfect completeness found there.
This is not an exercise in austerity or virtue. Although I will be giving certain things up, and ritualizing others. The intention is never to curb or manipulate the will of self to serve other purpose. There is no alternate agenda or inspired syllabus, no prepared program to guide my steps. I do not need to arrive “better” out the other side of this journey.
I am my best already.
The gift to myself of time & energy just to be.
A diamond in the rough.