Punctum

It’s week 2 of the One Yellow Rabbit intensive, and I am reflecting on Denise Clarke’s instructions during yoga practice: don’t train hatred into the nervous system. Her reminder is to be gentle on our bodies so that in our practice we find a sense of joy instead of effort.

 It struck a chord in me. 

What a compelling idea that in a world that sometimes feels chaotic & unforgiving we can train our bodies to respond with joy & poise. In a body that sometimes feels inadequate & scared I can train my nervous system to respond with calm attentiveness. 

I am the eye of the storm. 

What have I trained into my body? How many layers of fear, doubt, and self loathing? How many generations are carried in the body? When am I practicing carving a new nueral pathway for myself? And when am I giving in to muscle memory of destructive habits?

What is the quality of my actions?

Are my actions serving the work?

Of course there is no definitive answer.

It’s all practice, action to observation to action, an ongoing study of self. 

Why I originally started this blog three years ago was to have an accountability partner when I felt like I had no one else in my life to be a sounding board while I re-dedicated myself to my unschooling roots – the world is my class room: learning all the time. It gradually morphed somewhere along the way to mostly be a platform for my poetry & creative writing. Although I intend to keep those practices alive & well here, I am seeking a return to original purpose.

A place to gather my thoughts. Somewhere to collect my data about the external world & parse my creative soul. Fuel for the creative fire.

In addition to curating the weekly 5x lists, monthly year of yin reflections, vivid dreams & random poetry, I want to undertake more organized thought & documentation around creation – what the necessary ingredients are, how to get them, when & where creates the best work, and perhaps who else is out there making something of interest.

This note is as much for my intention setting as for your information. Which is to say part of my accountability plan. 

A circle is never complete always (r)evolving.

May the quality of my actions be full of loving kindness, my thoughts full of generous non-judgement, and my heart full of radical vulnerability.

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Dreaming of fertility goddess

First I dreamt I was pregnant, wide & heavy in the hot sun. Waddling gracefully hands on belly. It felt as if the sun shone from my womb. New life. New energy. Full belly of it. Heavy expectation hanging over my waist line.

Next I dreamt I was with my lover in the throws of passion on a bed structured for display. Teaching the young men in attendance how to approach a woman. How to pay tribute to her curves. How to hold her flower. How to make yourself her instrument. One after the other I taught them all individually with gentle loving attention. Growing stronger & more powerful as I swallowed their seed.

Then I dreamt I was on my hands and knees in the garden. Dirt under my fingernails. Sun on my back. Plucking big fat strawberries. Sticky juices running down my arms and legs. Summers bounty literally overflowing everywhere the eye can see.

Is this what the sound of my ticking biological clock sounds like? Or am I entering a particularly fertile creative time? 

Either way I awoke luminous.

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5x better late than dead

I’ve been so absorbed in the One Yellow Rabbit Summer Intensive I haven’t been online all that much. If I could bottle the inspiring energy in the room for you I would, but it’s rather difficult for me to capture right now. You will have to settle for a few odd ball links to satisfy your Sunday contemplation. Just as good to start your Monday with as well.

Enjoy

  1. George Orwell’s 11 steps to prepare a proper cup of tea (what you really need on a grey rainy Sunday) via Brain Pickings
  2. The consequences & benefits of extreme honesty via Eden Rohatensky
  3. Anna & Elizabeth tiny desk concert via NPR
  4. A conversation with Jane Jacobs via Brick
  5. Zero degrees – Akram Khan and Sidi Larbi via One Yellow Rabbit
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5x where the mystery begins

A new list of insightful pondering.

Enjoy

  1. Ray Bradbury on Writing, Emotion vs. Intelligence, and the Core of Creativity via Brain Pickings. Set aside a half hour to listen to the entire interview, it’s beautiful to hear such verve for life.
  2. My very kind friend d’j sent me this beautiful video of Lydia Lunch on the cultural history of No Wave it gave me shivers
  3.  Fruit for Feminism video shared via  Laura McNaughton. I found to be a very soothing and reassuring video which I return to often when anxious.
  4. The Empty Brain via shared with me by Sarah Flood. I’ve found myself often returning to the ideas of this article and re-examining how I understand myself and the world around me.
  5. The Intelligence of Emotions: Philosopher Martha Nussbaum on How Storytelling Rewires Us and Why Befriending Our Neediness is Essential for Happiness via Brain Pickings. Spent a very fruitful evening in long conversation with a dear friend about ideas in this vein of how we are responsible for crafting our own life narrative.
  6. Finally a gentle reminder for each of us Is it selfish to follow your bliss? via Marlo Johnson
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Dream within a dream

He has been watching you. He knows where you live. It could be any of them. Which traces of you will they find. Half written emails to friends, unsent nudes, bookmarked buzzfeed articles. Was she a good person? Did she deserve this? Don’t answer the door. Laugh and make excuses. You prefer to eat alone. You prefer to be anonamouys to your audience. You wish to work in private. They still find you. They want their own private piece of you. Witch hunt. Hide in the closet until he goes away. Fall asleep. Become aware of the darkness pressed close against your open eyes. Sticky hot remembering. He’s coming for you. Fight heavy lethargy pinning you to the bed. Will your body to escape these bonds of sleep. Friendly hand pushing you down again. Go back to sleep. Everything is fine. Fight harder. Feel the terror grow. Violation of your body spreads deep to your core. Voice straining a scream against sleep leadend vocal chords. Screams no one hears. Only managing a whispering moan. The undead speaking to the soon to be dead. Silent warning. Finally a gasp, sticky hot night sucked suddenly sputtering, startled heart. a start. Alone in bed hag ridden the storm has passed in cold sweat. awake true? Safe at last??

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