17 things I learned about sex after having sex

I saw a click bait article with this headline today and found their list rather disappointing, so here is my Hot Take on the subject.

1. Boys that are insecure about their body will criticize mine. It’s easier just not to go there, but accidents happen and sometimes just having nice things to say about each other will make everyone feel better.

2. It’s ok to like to have sex for sex sake. It’s just as fun shared with strangers, friends, or intimates. Pleasure has no hierarchy.

3. Trauma is part of a healthy sex life, mine or my partners, getting comfortable naming it will help bring joy to those vulnerable moments.

4. Lube literally makes everything better. Not that things were bad before, but just better.

5. Having sex with someone will not change how I feel about them. Never has it ever. Good sex won’t save bad relationships. bad sex won’t kill good friendships. 

6. Internalized homophobia/biphobia is real. I am still deserving of love & good sex even when I try to self sabotage. See point 3.

7. Making eye contact during sex is weird. That’s ok, it doesn’t ever really get any less weird, but sometimes it’s not so bad.

8. Initial gut reactions on whether I should fuck someone are generally accurate. 

9. Sex on drugs is not that great. Being high is kind of boring to begin with so it gives you something to do, but it’s kind of boring sex too.

10. It’s often more fun giving pleasure than receiving pleasure because of how vulnerability & anxiety work, but because most people feel this way sometimes giving over entirely is a treat.

11. Despite all the click bait to the contrary, sex isn’t that great for stress busting. Stick to masturbation & angry gay porn.

12. Period sex is way more fun than regular sex. More wet, engorged, horny, and my favourite messy. There is literally nothing better then being covered in your own blood & cum.

13. Threesomes are way more fun in practice than in the movies because I treat my friends more respectfully & playfully.

14. Don’t fuck people that aren’t worth talking to. It’s awkward. Be the slut you want to see in the world.

15. Literally no one I’ve had sex with or talked to knows how to use a dental dam. Fuck the education system.

16. Sex can be both performative & intimate. One does not make the other untrue. 

17. It sounds corny as fuck, but the best thing to happen to my sex life is to learn to love myself. In the tangible hands on sense. It’s a lifelong research project to know every sensation, sound, taste, and smell that turns me on and give it to myself. 


5x embodied truth

Living your legacy in real time. A beautiful idea from Ron Finely. Something I’m reflecting on as I’m looking for an afternoon pick me up. There are seeds I planted months ago I’m seeing come to harvest now, there are others that have rotted on the vine. I trust that this balance is essential for nurturing the dreams I’m affectionately tending. Everything in its season. A few more things for you to consider as well:

  1. Interview with Ron Finely via The Great Discontent
  2. Krista Tippett in conversation with Mary Karr via On Being
  3. Inner Dearly Beloved a late addition after further reflection

This is all for now click back to find bonus inspiration on other lists that I’m leaving off short today.


5x self love

I’ve been participating in the 7 day self love challenge over on facebook. While I might reprise some of that writing here for y’all, meanwhile I wanted to share some links to things that I’ve been contemplating as I spend some time lovingly navel gazing.

  1. Nobel Winning Physicist Frank Wilczek on Complementarity as the Quantum of Life and Why Reality is Woven of Opposing Truths  via Brain Pickings
  2. Solo-Polyamory, Singleish, Single & Poly via Psychology Today
  3. Our Individual-Collective Midnight Anxieties via dear soul Kyle Golemba
  4. How to Flush Negative and Draining Emotions Before They Lead to Physical Illness via Hearty Soul
  5. Gabor Mate: The Myth of Normal via Crazywise
  6. Bonus: Tonight I will be completeing Danielle Ayoka’s Full Moon ritual. You can read more about it here

New Snapchat Performance & Patreon

Hello friends,

I am creating a new snapchat performance tonight at 7:00 pm cst you can tune in live or it will be available for 24 hrs on my story as usual.

snapchat code

add me: bethijay91

I am creating this piece based on 10 random snippets of text from books, old journals, song lyrics, and images that I found lying around my house. Interestingly some clear themes arose out of these totally random snippets about the nature of truth, sadness and disconnect from the external world, and what we hide from ourselves. It’s going to be another raw, real intimate performance that I can’t wait to share with you for this brief moment of time.

If you enjoy my blog and snapchat performances you might consider becoming a Patreon of my work.


5x creative sparks


Written on the  Body by Giselle Noelle Morgan

A woman maps the emotional score of children as a path to connect her lonely heart.
A woman writes with indelible marker across the face of history busy looking the other way.
A woman unwraps the possibility of living between us.
A woman casts a spell to absolve her sisters suffering after decades of fear.
A woman sees a future of fierce compassion through the lens of reclamation of voice.
A woman collects the sparks she needs to light the flames that will consume her.


  1.  Song of Seven: Biochoir via Erin Gee a phenomenally powerful piece still vibrating in my core. Erin Gee describes the piece and her process: “Since working with robots that make music effected by physiological markers of emotion, I started feeling a little lonely, so I composed a project for children’s choir and my own DIY Biosynths. Hardware synthesizers are a bit complex and particular though so I focused on the music and made the synths very simple biosonifications of emotional engagement for each child.Making this work I thought about how no one takes children’s emotions seriously: yet when we are young we are extremely sensitive and emotional. I wanted to highlight the large emotions of children while they also empathized with each other.
    The score for this work is graphic as well as traditional, hand-drawn on graph paper with markings where sounds are activated by counting heartbeats and sweat bursts rather than traditionally notated.
  2. UK Rapper/Poet/Artist asks “How Much Are They Paying You?” via The Creators Project
  3. Adrienne Rich on Lying, What “Truth” Really Means, and the Alchemy of Human Possibility via Brain Pickings – she so beautifully articulates one of my fundamental values in life & art
  4. Sexual Assault Cases Are Our Modern Day Witch Trials via Establishment and then days later this article surfaces as if to underline her point.
  5. These Haunting Photos Are a Tribute to Hysterical Women via Bust