17 things I learned about sex after having sex

I saw a click bait article with this headline today and found their list rather disappointing, so here is my Hot Take on the subject.

1. Boys that are insecure about their body will criticize mine. It’s easier just not to go there, but accidents happen and sometimes just having nice things to say about each other will make everyone feel better.

2. It’s ok to like to have sex for sex sake. It’s just as fun shared with strangers, friends, or intimates. Pleasure has no hierarchy.

3. Trauma is part of a healthy sex life, mine or my partners, getting comfortable naming it will help bring joy to those vulnerable moments.

4. Lube literally makes everything better. Not that things were bad before, but just better.

5. Having sex with someone will not change how I feel about them. Never has it ever. Good sex won’t save bad relationships. bad sex won’t kill good friendships. 

6. Internalized homophobia/biphobia is real. I am still deserving of love & good sex even when I try to self sabotage. See point 3.

7. Making eye contact during sex is weird. That’s ok, it doesn’t ever really get any less weird, but sometimes it’s not so bad.

8. Initial gut reactions on whether I should fuck someone are generally accurate. 

9. Sex on drugs is not that great. Being high is kind of boring to begin with so it gives you something to do, but it’s kind of boring sex too.

10. It’s often more fun giving pleasure than receiving pleasure because of how vulnerability & anxiety work, but because most people feel this way sometimes giving over entirely is a treat.

11. Despite all the click bait to the contrary, sex isn’t that great for stress busting. Stick to masturbation & angry gay porn.

12. Period sex is way more fun than regular sex. More wet, engorged, horny, and my favourite messy. There is literally nothing better then being covered in your own blood & cum.

13. Threesomes are way more fun in practice than in the movies because I treat my friends more respectfully & playfully.

14. Don’t fuck people that aren’t worth talking to. It’s awkward. Be the slut you want to see in the world.

15. Literally no one I’ve had sex with or talked to knows how to use a dental dam. Fuck the education system.

16. Sex can be both performative & intimate. One does not make the other untrue. 

17. It sounds corny as fuck, but the best thing to happen to my sex life is to learn to love myself. In the tangible hands on sense. It’s a lifelong research project to know every sensation, sound, taste, and smell that turns me on and give it to myself. 


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5x embodied truth

Living your legacy in real time. A beautiful idea from Ron Finely. Something I’m reflecting on as I’m looking for an afternoon pick me up. There are seeds I planted months ago I’m seeing come to harvest now, there are others that have rotted on the vine. I trust that this balance is essential for nurturing the dreams I’m affectionately tending. Everything in its season. A few more things for you to consider as well:

  1. Interview with Ron Finely via The Great Discontent
  2. Krista Tippett in conversation with Mary Karr via On Being
  3. Inner Dearly Beloved a late addition after further reflection

This is all for now click back to find bonus inspiration on other lists that I’m leaving off short today.

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5x self love

I’ve been participating in the 7 day self love challenge over on facebook. While I might reprise some of that writing here for y’all, meanwhile I wanted to share some links to things that I’ve been contemplating as I spend some time lovingly navel gazing.

  1. Nobel Winning Physicist Frank Wilczek on Complementarity as the Quantum of Life and Why Reality is Woven of Opposing Truths  via Brain Pickings
  2. Solo-Polyamory, Singleish, Single & Poly via Psychology Today
  3. Our Individual-Collective Midnight Anxieties via dear soul Kyle Golemba
  4. How to Flush Negative and Draining Emotions Before They Lead to Physical Illness via Hearty Soul
  5. Gabor Mate: The Myth of Normal via Crazywise
  6. Bonus: Tonight I will be completeing Danielle Ayoka’s Full Moon ritual. You can read more about it here
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New Snapchat Performance & Patreon

Hello friends,

I am creating a new snapchat performance tonight at 7:00 pm cst you can tune in live or it will be available for 24 hrs on my story as usual.

snapchat code

add me: bethijay91


I am creating this piece based on 10 random snippets of text from books, old journals, song lyrics, and images that I found lying around my house. Interestingly some clear themes arose out of these totally random snippets about the nature of truth, sadness and disconnect from the external world, and what we hide from ourselves. It’s going to be another raw, real intimate performance that I can’t wait to share with you for this brief moment of time.

If you enjoy my blog and snapchat performances you might consider becoming a Patreon of my work.

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5x creative sparks

Hysterical.jpg

Written on the  Body by Giselle Noelle Morgan

A woman maps the emotional score of children as a path to connect her lonely heart.
A woman writes with indelible marker across the face of history busy looking the other way.
A woman unwraps the possibility of living between us.
A woman casts a spell to absolve her sisters suffering after decades of fear.
A woman sees a future of fierce compassion through the lens of reclamation of voice.
A woman collects the sparks she needs to light the flames that will consume her.

Enjoy

  1.  Song of Seven: Biochoir via Erin Gee a phenomenally powerful piece still vibrating in my core. Erin Gee describes the piece and her process: “Since working with robots that make music effected by physiological markers of emotion, I started feeling a little lonely, so I composed a project for children’s choir and my own DIY Biosynths. Hardware synthesizers are a bit complex and particular though so I focused on the music and made the synths very simple biosonifications of emotional engagement for each child.Making this work I thought about how no one takes children’s emotions seriously: yet when we are young we are extremely sensitive and emotional. I wanted to highlight the large emotions of children while they also empathized with each other.
    The score for this work is graphic as well as traditional, hand-drawn on graph paper with markings where sounds are activated by counting heartbeats and sweat bursts rather than traditionally notated.
  2. UK Rapper/Poet/Artist asks “How Much Are They Paying You?” via The Creators Project
  3. Adrienne Rich on Lying, What “Truth” Really Means, and the Alchemy of Human Possibility via Brain Pickings – she so beautifully articulates one of my fundamental values in life & art
  4. Sexual Assault Cases Are Our Modern Day Witch Trials via Establishment and then days later this article surfaces as if to underline her point.
  5. These Haunting Photos Are a Tribute to Hysterical Women via Bust
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Dreaming of my cat

Dream cat told me what I suspected to be true so matter of factly and innocuously I had to question where it came from. You told me that it sounds like he is repeating your advice, and I have to stop and look at you different. Is that true? Do I let you speak to me that way? Yes I encourage it. Because I believe first and foremost that love is something I have to work for. I am not perfect but I can try to be for love. I am a good worker. Meticulous. Through. Enthusiastic. He will see. He will be impressed. Why aren’t you impressed? Because I don’t trust people who think I am enough. Don’t they see how broken I am? What is wrong with them that their expectations are so low? Is he trying to fool me? Must be so because I’m busy running away from him, out the backdoor into the arms of the one who will hurt me and leave me. This would never work anyways I assure myself. And surely it doesn’t because I won’t let it. When I am heart broken and love sick again I come to you over pints, and you reassure me by telling me all the things I could do better next time. I’m just too intense. I can’t present myself that way or I will be hurt. I shouldn’t text back first. I should just try harder to seem like I’m not trying so hard. I shouldn’t ask for so much right away. I should convince them to commit to me first. I shouldn’t talk about my feelings. Don’t share so much online. I tip my hand too early. I go all in without looking. I should wait to have sex. I shouldn’t have sex at all. Don’t say I love you until they say it back. I need to build mystery. I should talk less. I’m not really that interesting people just like me for my body. The sad part is that these are the things I want to hear because it’s what I’ve come to believe is true.

. . .

After my dream cat told me these things he morphed into Nathalie off of Be Here Nowish and seduced me until I realized she just wanted me to stay home more so she could have me all to herself. Driving home the point or making light of it I’m not sure.

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5x + Dinner Tables Interview Tonight!

This week’s list is pretty chill. I’ve been on holidays, so I’ve been trying to clear my head rather than fill it. Here is a snapshot of my trip to Calgary, but it also includes a bit of shameless self promotion for what I’m going to be obsessed with for the next month.

Enjoy

  1. Jared Beattie and I had breakfast with Kate Herriot this morning to discuss our upcoming project Dinner Tables for her show Mom I’m a Thespian: tune into CFCR 90.5 or listen online here tonight at 7:00 pm CST, or available as a podcast online sometime after that.
  2. Josiah and I are big fans of The Dudes, on the way up he asked if we would get to see them while in Calgary, and I said probably not because he isn’t old enought to get into bars but that I would have a beer with them for him, and by divine luck I did! This is our classic roadtrip track Do The Right Thing
  3. You may have noticed on Instagram that I am reading Savage Beauty the biography of Edna St. Vincent Millay, and i highly reccomend you go pick up a copy, Nancy Milford does a stunning job. Meanwhile you can read Vincent’s poems Bluebeard, The Renascence, and this little gem First Fig.
  4. The Metric concert was fire in everyway. The first concert I haven’t had an anxiety attack at or need to drink to cope since October. Emily Haines is an inspiration. Relive the magic with this stunner The Shade
  5. I am planning a suprise performance in April that has me deeply considering Aldous Huxley on Sincerity, Our Fear of the Obvious, and the Two Types of Truth Artists Must Reconcile via Brain Pickings
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