Huffing Gas

It’s been years since I worked up the magic blend of courage & cash to leave you.

A little over a year since I realized what you were doing to me was abuse.

Seven months since I decided I wouldn’t let myself be treated that way anymore.

Three months since I started believing there was another option.

And I’m still unlearning all the ways you made me feel less than myself, smaller, quieter, afraid, unloveable, untrustable, unfuckable, unstable, stupid, useless, paranoid, broken, and crazy. My anxiety is worse than ever, but I’m healing. 

I am healing.

I am healing.

I am healing.

I am healing.

I am healing.

Inspired by Everyday Feminism

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5x aesthetic fetish

I’m still at the lab. It’s still crazy intense. But tonight I feel electric. Vibrating at a higher frequency. Euphoric. Or maybe just manic? We’ve been chatting a lot at the lab about personal aesthetic – what we’re drawn to & why. Aka our fetishes, aka our preferences, aka our choices. That is really what this list is about every week  – a collection of things I’m drawn to at this moment of time. Maybe by sharing them I can seek to understand them/myself better and make them part of my work. Or maybe these are just fun. I don’t know. You decide.

Enjoy

  1. Enchanting new track Stock Neon via Also Also Also
  2. Bjork describes television via fellow labbit and lovely human Breanne Oryschak
  3. Intro: The Diary of a Sugar Baby via Slutever (NSFW)
  4. Fuck Music Let’s Talk About Feelings: Interview with Bethany Cosentenio via Vice one of my favourite musicians interviewed by one of my favourite twitter personas
  5. Finally a two (three?) week old horoscope that embodies my #nofuckboyzone mantra. Maybe this is the reminder you need to hear too? My long-term predictions for the next 15 months are a blend of hopeful optimism and a reasonable interpretation of the astrological omens. Here we go: 1. You will have an excellent chance to smooth and soothe the rough spots in your romantic karma. 2. You will outgrow any addiction you might have to frustrating connections. 3. Unrequited love will either be requited, or else you’ll become bored with the futile chase and move on. 4. You’ll be challenged to either refresh and reinvent an existing intimacy, or else get shrewd enough not to repeat past mistakes in a new intimacy. 5. You will have an abundance of good ideas about how to install the theme of smart fun at the heart of your strongest alliances. Via Free Will Astrology  
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These spiritual window-shoppers, who idly ask, ‘How much is that?’ Oh, I’m just looking. 

They handle a hundred items and put them down, 

shadows with no capital.

 What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping. 

But these walk into a shop, 

and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment, 

in that shop.

 Where did you go? “Nowhere.” 

What did you have to eat? “Nothing much.”

 Even if you don’t know what you want, 

buy _something,_ to be part of the exchanging flow.

 Start a huge, foolish project, 

like Noah.

 It makes absolutely no difference 

what people think of you.

Rumi

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Words to live by

My intensity brings me great joy.

I seek the company of people who love me to be inspired

I must be appreciated for my enthusiasm never shamed

My drive for excellence doesn’t stress me out it relaxes me

I hear by give myself license to

Laugh even louder

Sing even stronger

And think even smarter

It’s not cool to be cool

It’s cool to be burning with a white hot lust for life

I am rising to the next octave

I am playing harder than I have ever played before

Words adapted from a 2013 horoscope on this website.

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Work habits

  • Meditation/introspection start and end of day
  • Tea first thing
  • Stretch and move my body and lungs at the start of the day
  • Spend time in the moment upon wake up
  • Record dreams in greatest detail possible
  • Limit social media and email in the morning
  • Always take the time to look great, life is too short to not be fabulous 
  • Walk to work whenever possible, making peace with the elements brings great calm
  • Coffee only after fed and mind is awake and active
  • Limit mindless media for special occasions and rewards
  • Read before bed, at lunch, after work. Write in the morning and before bed.
  • Ideal bedtime is between 10 and 11 on week nights 
  • Warming up as a group is essential
  • Remember to check in with yourself and your group
  • Active listening to the room as well as the speaker
  • Work with what you have and where you are at today
  • Work the body hard to out smart the mind
  • Do too many things at once, make mistakes, how happy accidents are born
  • Be mindful of downtime
  • Cultivate healthier habits in the work
  • Practice self care outside of the work
  • Dedicate work space outside of home space or public space
  • Pause to reflect often
  • Take lots of notes
  • Privacy is essential to my process
  • Trust is necessary at all levels
  • Give myself room to break the rules
  • Engage with the world outside of the theatre as much as possible
  • Be inspired by everyday things
  • Practice mental distractions to prevent unecessary worry
  • Everything is part of the work
  • I’m going to hate myself and my work sometimes and that is ok, show up and do the work anyway
  • Be a shit disturber. Prevent static energy through static routine
  • Research everything, you never know when it might come in handy
  • Be able to throw out good ideas that aren’t working. Accept the evolution of things as natural part of development.
  • Dream in technicolor blueprints
  • Pay attention to the small things asking for your attention
  • Meet people where they are at
  • Ask unruly questions
  • Unpack tidy answers
  • Be concious of creating safe spaces for those with less of a voice
  • Follow the fascinating thing
  • Value what is important
  • Foster a culture of change
  • Take an active role in the design of your life and work
  • Start a fight. Be unapologetically outspoken. 
  • Speak truthfully; act truthfully; live truthfully
  • Have a goal, know my purpose
  • Stay involved through the entire process, delegate often, work communally 
  • Surround myself with people that inspire me to aim higher
  • Feel new things
  • Think larger
  • Play out of my league
  • Ask the tough questions 
  • Lift others up and be the champion of each other’s work, there are enough detractors
  • Leave room for other perspectives
  • Don’t be boring
  • Make bold choices
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