Sit with that uncomfortable empty feeling as long as possible. Look deep into your heart & repeat ‘I see your pain & I respect your journey’. Stay in bed with a purring cat falling in love with the sound of your own breath. Be quiet & still as you accept the death of another great passion, be grateful for such a flame. Walk in the sunshine & dine alone. Eat luxuriously slow while reading deeply of those who inspire you. Drink tea with cream for comfort. Listen to friends tell you the positive things you have given them, but don’t feel compelled to hold on to them anymore dearly than the negative things. Let your mind breathe through the thoughts of tomorrow. Sit in the window & watch the snow fall. Don’t ask any questions yet. Order too much Indian food to eat in bed & pretend to be glamorous for an hour or so. Be patient & give new ideas the space they need to grow. There is no rush to be whole again. Emptiness invites inspiration.
Another list of things that have touched my heart like a spark plug to the thunder bolt.
- Maurice Sendak final interview and where the title of this list comes from
- Werner Herzog on Creativity, Self-Reliance, and How to Make a Living Doing What You Love via Brain Pickings
- Stephen Colbert telling the story of how he met his wife via the wonderful Paige Lansky
- The Machine by Joey Comeau
- Glitter by respectfulchild
I don’t want to make any more art about the things that have hurt me. Every piece I’m working on has some way tied into the experiences, people, stories, or places that have fucked me right up. Trying to make something beautiful & meaningful out of it to justify this feeling. Because I still believe it’s my responsibility to transform those thorns into a crown. It’s not. I don’t owe it to anyone. My sadness & pain are my own. Transforming them could be cathartic or it could be a way to keep me trapped in it. What would it look like to make art out of things that were already beautiful? Out of pieces of me that shine in the sunlight? What if I started with gold instead of straw? What could I weave then? I’m growing in a thousand ways that I don’t remember. I just want time to rest in the pieces of me that aren’t hurting. I feel like a fraud & a fake turning over a new leaf while these leaves are still green on the tree. Abandoning the project before transformation is complete. But I also recognize that I need to refuel. I’ve been joking about quitting to paint fruits & flowers. I think that might literally be what I do next. I’m taking a three month hiatus from all that is hard to only indulge the soft side of my art. Play music, play in film, play in paints & muck about. I have a few commitments that I will see through, but I’m shelving Dear Devotion for a time until after this sabbatical of gentleness. There are still a few more months left in this year of yin and I will indulge.
I’m not writing anymore Sunday lists. It was a fun experiment, but I’m going back to tracking progress on coach.me app.
I want to get back to writing regular content, but I also want to write things that are meaningful.
This is just not it.
- 2 hours Dear Devotion
- 1 hour practicing bass
- Lots of writing – personal & poetic.
- One rock concert (all dudes)
- Reading rupi kaur’s milk & honey 💖 also lots of blogs
- Spc fundraising meeting with Charlie
- Laundry & house cleaning
- Lots of lady time this week supporting each other & enjoying end of summer
- Very volatile mood swings this week. Tuesday evening into Wednesday morbidly depressed, Thursday elated to the point of difficulty concentrating, Friday morbidly depressed again with suicidal ideation. Sunday another high day, hopefully not as manic.
- Also started period this week possible connection to mood, definitely noticeable on sleep patterns & sex drive.
- Generalized anxiety about money & future continues. As tides with moods flux.
- 2 board meetings – one for SPC, one for SaskMusic
- Therapist appointment
- Rent due, other finances to take care of
- Start sober September
- Call for submissions for alt alt
- Start regular meditation practice again