17 things I learned about sex after having sex

I saw a click bait article with this headline today and found their list rather disappointing, so here is my Hot Take on the subject.

1. Boys that are insecure about their body will criticize mine. It’s easier just not to go there, but accidents happen and sometimes just having nice things to say about each other will make everyone feel better.

2. It’s ok to like to have sex for sex sake. It’s just as fun shared with strangers, friends, or intimates. Pleasure has no hierarchy.

3. Trauma is part of a healthy sex life, mine or my partners, getting comfortable naming it will help bring joy to those vulnerable moments.

4. Lube literally makes everything better. Not that things were bad before, but just better.

5. Having sex with someone will not change how I feel about them. Never has it ever. Good sex won’t save bad relationships. bad sex won’t kill good friendships. 

6. Internalized homophobia/biphobia is real. I am still deserving of love & good sex even when I try to self sabotage. See point 3.

7. Making eye contact during sex is weird. That’s ok, it doesn’t ever really get any less weird, but sometimes it’s not so bad.

8. Initial gut reactions on whether I should fuck someone are generally accurate. 

9. Sex on drugs is not that great. Being high is kind of boring to begin with so it gives you something to do, but it’s kind of boring sex too.

10. It’s often more fun giving pleasure than receiving pleasure because of how vulnerability & anxiety work, but because most people feel this way sometimes giving over entirely is a treat.

11. Despite all the click bait to the contrary, sex isn’t that great for stress busting. Stick to masturbation & angry gay porn.

12. Period sex is way more fun than regular sex. More wet, engorged, horny, and my favourite messy. There is literally nothing better then being covered in your own blood & cum.

13. Threesomes are way more fun in practice than in the movies because I treat my friends more respectfully & playfully.

14. Don’t fuck people that aren’t worth talking to. It’s awkward. Be the slut you want to see in the world.

15. Literally no one I’ve had sex with or talked to knows how to use a dental dam. Fuck the education system.

16. Sex can be both performative & intimate. One does not make the other untrue. 

17. It sounds corny as fuck, but the best thing to happen to my sex life is to learn to love myself. In the tangible hands on sense. It’s a lifelong research project to know every sensation, sound, taste, and smell that turns me on and give it to myself. 


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5x immunity

I’m lying in my bed, sick as a dog, thinking of how to get better. Dreaming  of all the things I’ve left unsaid I awoke with a frog in my throat several days ago. A suppressed immune system & overactive nervous system. My body is setting its own rhythm as seasons change. Unable to speak, a mandatory period of bed rest & reflection at the start of a voluntarily sober September. This is what I am musing on in my sick bed.

Enjoy

  1. Hunger Makes Me via my dear friend Charlie Peters, a poignant reflection on female appetite 
  2. For Men* Who Desperately Need Autonmy via Nora Samaran
  3. Legendary Ballerina Sylvie Gulliem Performs Sacred Monster via the lovely Ann Connors
  4. Dr. Gabor Mate – How Stress Causes Disease a talk from his research for When The Body Says No which I have been thinking about as my immune system & nervous system go haywire 
  5. The Real Reason Women Drink via my charming friend Sarah Etter
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5x

I’m lying in my bed, sick as a dog, thinking of how to get better. Dreaming  of all the things I’ve left unsaid I awoke with a frog in my throat several days ago. A suppressed immune system & overactive nervous system. My body is setting its own rhythm as seasons change. Unable to speak, a mandatory period of bed rest & reflection at the start of a voluntarily sober September. This is what I am musing on in my sick bed.

Enjoy

  1. Hunger Makes Me via my dear friend Charlie Peters, a poignant reflection on female appetite 
  2. For Men* Who Desperately Need Autonmy via Nora Samaran
  3. Legendary Ballerina Sylvie Gulliem Performs Sacred Monster via the lovely Ann Connors
  4. Dr. Gabor Mate – How Stress Causes Disease a talk from his research for When The Body Says No which I have been thinking about as my immune system & nervous system go haywire 
  5. The Real Reason Women Drink via my charming friend Sarah Etter
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5x spellbound

Always be hustling to unleash that magic flow on the world.

Enjoy

  1. Alan Watts on the Hocus Pocus of Money via late night google – a reassuring way to think about income when my brain starts to spin
  2. Aesop Rock interviewed by Pitchfork also Impossible Kid is well in the lead for my favourite album released this year
  3. I recently picked up milk and honey by rupi kaur and fell instantly in love – you can check out her insta poetry here
  4. Anias Nin on the fluid self via Brain Pickings – a gentle reminder, an invitation 
  5. The Science of Using Yoga to Heal from Trauma via Bitch – my body is the only place I’ve ever felt at home & I want to get back there
  6. New track Train Song by Shirley & The Pyramids – love these guys & they’re out conquering the Canadian tour circuit now so check that shiz out
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Dreaming of an old friend

I dreamt of him as a child & alone. Coming day after day into the hands of the one that would tear him apart. Creep tip toe softly down the stairs to the back of the house. Don’t turn on the light. Don’t make a sound. Soften brittle between your teeth. He was always such a radiant child in all his uncontrollable sadness. He rode his bike hard out the back door, down the alley, across the field, through the parking lot, to the waiting arms of the only one that cared for him in all the wrong ways. He always had a very feminine air about him even as a child. Hair long & curly, but mostly matted. His nose long & slender. His eyes softly proud, but usually cast down. There was a tag on the back of his house, a heart with an A through it, that one of the girls had left there for him. He always had a few women about him even as a young boy barely past eight. He was their keeper, trying to play a big boys role in their heart, biking between the alleys & stores collecting what he could to keep them a float. They were all his senior by almost ten years, but he could not refuse that frightened look in their charcoal singed Bambi eyes. That is why he returned again & again to the dragons den, breathing fire down his throat, in the guise of PB & J sandwiches. He bore it all so gently & firmly. It wasn’t for himself, his mind was elsewhere. When his mom went into the hospital he was so calm & collected no one thought to question the older single man he had been spending so much time with. Just a family friend here to check in after hearing the news. No one exchanges names in a time of calamity. He never told. He grew up & mostly moved on. Local grocery clerk peddling on the side. He stopped coming around as much, but he kept his word. I’ll never understand why he kept that word. Or how he preserved so much gentleness in his heart after loosing so much blood to his own wounds. An old soul trapped in a young mans body. Was I another one of his lost doves he was trying to rescue? Could he really love me in all his softness carrying around the weight of those secrets? Was I responsible for that far away look in his eye?

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A shadow rising

Today, I’ve been thinking about love & trauma. How they intersect in my body. Where my body intersects with the world that doesn’t want it in all it’s fragile chipped paint glory. I’m broken in many of the same ways you are. Each a unique shard of character digging into my side. Some days I can grin & bear it. Then don’t you love me triumph blazing for lifting myself over the scattered lost causes to ride again. Some days it’s too much & I cry out bitter tears. Then don’t you love me as a engine that just won’t start with out your black calussed hands to tinker with my loose parts. I am of course neither meant to be paraded or puttered. Not a badge nor a band aid. I did not live these experiences for your education or entertainment. What have you done today to dismantle the oppressive systems in your life? I am no charity case. I’ll sing for my supper until the canary is horse in the coal mine. What will you do? Are you waiting for your charming princess to save you? Bat her eye lashes & cares be gone? Do you think if only there were one special someone out there to understand you that suddenly the world would seem so much more understandable? What if you had gentle hands to take the edge off this long lonely labour of living? Would things be alright then? I am the one of gentle hands, sparkling eyes, and solemn reflection. I am not ok. Who am I to look to? The princess casts her own hair down to invite her would be saviour. My locks are shaved to prevent such poltergeists from entering these hallowed temples. Fairytales are children’s things & I am a child to the unknown. Searching. Searching. Searching. Under each new turned leaf is a chrysalis bursting with insight. I am love true love. And I am here to share it with those who are willing to put the work into their own reflections. These are mine, hop scotched & rambling. I keep one foot out the door & one hand over my heart. A swearing jack who thinks with oaths to face the matter out. I swear, and swear, and swear, and yet still the longing creeps in with her mischievous grin. Come in old friend, come in.

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5x emotional weather

I’m not ready to write a heart felt post about the weekend, or the last few weeks, or about the hearts I miss, or about what’s next. I’m not ready to process everything that happened in the last three weeks. All the punctums, all the generosity, all the bravery, all the inspiration, all of the lingering questions. I’m not ready to admit it’s over and transition back into the daily grind. Today is caught between two worlds, and I am balanced precariously between as are my pots & pans catching stray rain water seeping through the roof of my cozy attic. It is already starting to feel like something happened not something that is happening. As Harold & I hunker in for the storm I collect my thoughts like rain drops carelessly trespassing on my little corner of the world.

Enjoy

  1. iamiamwhoami via fellow labbit Andrew Barrett
  2. How to Hone Your Creative Routine and Master the Pace of Productivity via Brain Pickings
  3. Love is Traumatic via Chai Chats Podcast
  4. Cie Mossoux Bonté via fellow labbit Neil Cadger
  5. Water, Consciousness, and Intent inspired by fellow labbit Laurel Green
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