17 things I learned about sex after having sex

I saw a click bait article with this headline today and found their list rather disappointing, so here is my Hot Take on the subject.

1. Boys that are insecure about their body will criticize mine. It’s easier just not to go there, but accidents happen and sometimes just having nice things to say about each other will make everyone feel better.

2. It’s ok to like to have sex for sex sake. It’s just as fun shared with strangers, friends, or intimates. Pleasure has no hierarchy.

3. Trauma is part of a healthy sex life, mine or my partners, getting comfortable naming it will help bring joy to those vulnerable moments.

4. Lube literally makes everything better. Not that things were bad before, but just better.

5. Having sex with someone will not change how I feel about them. Never has it ever. Good sex won’t save bad relationships. bad sex won’t kill good friendships. 

6. Internalized homophobia/biphobia is real. I am still deserving of love & good sex even when I try to self sabotage. See point 3.

7. Making eye contact during sex is weird. That’s ok, it doesn’t ever really get any less weird, but sometimes it’s not so bad.

8. Initial gut reactions on whether I should fuck someone are generally accurate. 

9. Sex on drugs is not that great. Being high is kind of boring to begin with so it gives you something to do, but it’s kind of boring sex too.

10. It’s often more fun giving pleasure than receiving pleasure because of how vulnerability & anxiety work, but because most people feel this way sometimes giving over entirely is a treat.

11. Despite all the click bait to the contrary, sex isn’t that great for stress busting. Stick to masturbation & angry gay porn.

12. Period sex is way more fun than regular sex. More wet, engorged, horny, and my favourite messy. There is literally nothing better then being covered in your own blood & cum.

13. Threesomes are way more fun in practice than in the movies because I treat my friends more respectfully & playfully.

14. Don’t fuck people that aren’t worth talking to. It’s awkward. Be the slut you want to see in the world.

15. Literally no one I’ve had sex with or talked to knows how to use a dental dam. Fuck the education system.

16. Sex can be both performative & intimate. One does not make the other untrue. 

17. It sounds corny as fuck, but the best thing to happen to my sex life is to learn to love myself. In the tangible hands on sense. It’s a lifelong research project to know every sensation, sound, taste, and smell that turns me on and give it to myself. 



5x immunity

I’m lying in my bed, sick as a dog, thinking of how to get better. Dreaming  of all the things I’ve left unsaid I awoke with a frog in my throat several days ago. A suppressed immune system & overactive nervous system. My body is setting its own rhythm as seasons change. Unable to speak, a mandatory period of bed rest & reflection at the start of a voluntarily sober September. This is what I am musing on in my sick bed.

Enjoy

1. Hunger Makes Me via my dear friend Charlie Peters, a poignant reflection on female appetite 
2. For Men* Who Desperately Need Autonmy via Nora Samaran
3. Legendary Ballerina Sylvie Gulliem Performs Sacred Monster via the lovely Ann Connors
4. Dr. Gabor Mate – How Stress Causes Disease a talk from his research for When The Body Says No which I have been thinking about as my immune system & nervous system go haywire 
5. The Real Reason Women Drink via my charming friend Sarah Etter

5x

I’m lying in my bed, sick as a dog, thinking of how to get better. Dreaming  of all the things I’ve left unsaid I awoke with a frog in my throat several days ago. A suppressed immune system & overactive nervous system. My body is setting its own rhythm as seasons change. Unable to speak, a mandatory period of bed rest & reflection at the start of a voluntarily sober September. This is what I am musing on in my sick bed.

Enjoy

1. Hunger Makes Me via my dear friend Charlie Peters, a poignant reflection on female appetite 
2. For Men* Who Desperately Need Autonmy via Nora Samaran
3. Legendary Ballerina Sylvie Gulliem Performs Sacred Monster via the lovely Ann Connors
4. Dr. Gabor Mate – How Stress Causes Disease a talk from his research for When The Body Says No which I have been thinking about as my immune system & nervous system go haywire 
5. The Real Reason Women Drink via my charming friend Sarah Etter

5x spellbound

Always be hustling to unleash that magic flow on the world.

Enjoy

1. Alan Watts on the Hocus Pocus of Money via late night google – a reassuring way to think about income when my brain starts to spin
2. Aesop Rock interviewed by Pitchfork also Impossible Kid is well in the lead for my favourite album released this year
3. I recently picked up milk and honey by rupi kaur and fell instantly in love – you can check out her insta poetry here
4. Anias Nin on the fluid self via Brain Pickings – a gentle reminder, an invitation 
5. The Science of Using Yoga to Heal from Trauma via Bitch – my body is the only place I’ve ever felt at home & I want to get back there
6. New track Train Song by Shirley & The Pyramids – love these guys & they’re out conquering the Canadian tour circuit now so check that shiz out

Dreaming of an old friend

I dreamt of him as a child & alone. Coming day after day into the hands of the one that would tear him apart. Creep tip toe softly down the stairs to the back of the house. Don’t turn on the light. Don’t make a sound. Soften brittle between your teeth. He was always such a radiant child in all his uncontrollable sadness. He rode his bike hard out the back door, down the alley, across the field, through the parking lot, to the waiting arms of the only one that cared for him in all the wrong ways. He always had a very feminine air about him even as a child. Hair long & curly, but mostly matted. His nose long & slender. His eyes softly proud, but usually cast down. There was a tag on the back of his house, a heart with an A through it, that one of the girls had left there for him. He always had a few women about him even as a young boy barely past eight. He was their keeper, trying to play a big boys role in their heart, biking between the alleys & stores collecting what he could to keep them a float. They were all his senior by almost ten years, but he could not refuse that frightened look in their charcoal singed Bambi eyes. That is why he returned again & again to the dragons den, breathing fire down his throat, in the guise of PB & J sandwiches. He bore it all so gently & firmly. It wasn’t for himself, his mind was elsewhere. When his mom went into the hospital he was so calm & collected no one thought to question the older single man he had been spending so much time with. Just a family friend here to check in after hearing the news. No one exchanges names in a time of calamity. He never told. He grew up & mostly moved on. Local grocery clerk peddling on the side. He stopped coming around as much, but he kept his word. I’ll never understand why he kept that word. Or how he preserved so much gentleness in his heart after loosing so much blood to his own wounds. An old soul trapped in a young mans body. Was I another one of his lost doves he was trying to rescue? Could he really love me in all his softness carrying around the weight of those secrets? Was I responsible for that far away look in his eye?