End of the year goals

Checking in my New Years resolutions I’m feeling really good about the place I’m at. Feel very on target & happy with results. That being said there are always a few loose ends to wrap up as well as seeds to plant for the coming year.

My personal goals aka a recipe to flourish:

• Paint/draw/craft 12 fruits & flowers in 12 weeks
• Play more bass, write more songs
• Cook more meals with less meat, consume less alcohol/intoxicants, practice mindful consumption for 8 months
• Adjust morning rituals to darker season
• Publish book of poetry, throw a party to celebrate (November)
• Create dance/video collaboration in bloom (December)
• Meditate, journal, observation, contemplation, yoga, mindful body work, presence, gentle focus, careful attention, joyful curiosity
• Leave time for more reading, laughing, loving, hand holding, sharing, listening, dreaming

Community goals aka a offering for tomorrow:

• Next stage of development for SPC engaging with membership to build thriving community results by May
• Alt alt producing & mentoring learning cycle – a celebration of weirdos cummulate in January
• Join international mentorship program (December)
• Continue to support friends and cultivate strong bonds with women/non-binary folks

Professional goals aka ambition’s map:

• Spend time catching up on administrative details that have escaped (December)
• Build portfolio, documentation, and website (March)
• Develop alternate revenue streams (November)
• Continue to reach out and build bridges between creatives & businesses 
• Keep saying no to offers that don’t make sense to leave room for the opportunities that excite me

Sunday’s we make lists

• 2 hours Dear Devotion
• 1 hour practicing bass
• Lots of writing – personal & poetic.
• One rock concert (all dudes)
• Reading rupi kaur’s milk & honey 💖 also lots of blogs 
• Spc fundraising meeting with Charlie
• Audition
• Laundry & house cleaning 
• Lots of lady time this week supporting each other & enjoying end of summer 

Challenges:

• Very volatile mood swings this week. Tuesday evening into Wednesday morbidly depressed, Thursday elated to the point of difficulty concentrating, Friday morbidly depressed again with suicidal ideation. Sunday another high day, hopefully not as manic.
• Also started period this week possible connection to mood, definitely noticeable on sleep patterns & sex drive.
• Generalized anxiety about money & future continues. As tides with moods flux.

Next week:

• 2 board meetings – one for SPC, one for SaskMusic
• Therapist appointment
• Rent due, other finances to take care of
• Start sober September 
• Call for submissions for alt alt
• Start regular meditation practice again

Sunday again

• 2 hr Dear Devotion
• 1 hr bass practice
• Chaired board meeting for SPC
• Caught up with Tom & Tant per Tant
• Watched: Star Trek & Pokemon
• 3 music gigs (1/6 bands feat. Women)
• Mieka’s birthday – campfire jam
• Read Anatomy of Meloncholy and lots of blogs
• Therapist appointment 

Challenges

• Came down with cold kept me in bed a lot of weekend
• Anxiety about future feeling pressure to be a lot of things I’m not & go a bunch of places I can’t.
• Behind on housework due to illness weighing on me.

Next week:

• 3 hrs Dear Devotion – sketch out plan moving forward
• Make up missed band practice
• Get new journals
• Start new book
• Prepare for board meeting
• Fundraising meeting
• Follow up on new mystery project
• Clean house
• Start writing

Sunday progress report

• Worked out 6 month funding timeline for projects
• Began looking at scheduling for Dinner Tables
• Met with Charlie to discuss Embrace Theatre plans
• 2 hr band practice, completed one song
• 1 hr rehearsal for Dear Devotion
• Create working plan for Dear Devotion rehearsals in August
• Cleaned house
• 2 volunteer shifts at the Fringe
• Saw 3 fringe plays, 1 punk show, finished Jane Jacobs: The Last Interview, listened to CYG podcast, watched Mean Girls, Star Trek, X Files, Stranger Things
• Practiced bass, cat yoga, mindful walking, seated meditation, flow yoga, non-judgement, positive affirmations, poetry

Challenges of the week:

• Persistent anxiety mixed with everyday apathy
• Distracted by heat
• Poor meal choices & bad sleep habits

Overall: made good progress in spite of (because of?) pervasive anxiety & self destructive thought patterns. Was (mostly) able to channel excessive restless energy into constructive possibilities. 

Studies for next week:

• Working with recorded text for Dear Devotion development
• Break Dear Devotion studies into 6 parts
• Learning scales on bass
• Get new journals to write
• Practice mindful speech, non-judgement, cat yoga, seated meditation, mindful walking, conscientious eating 

Day 16 and 17

I’ve been teaching myself to draw.

Day 16 & 17

I remember my parents going to Saturday morning life drawing at place riel growing up. I was always struck by awe by those rough drawings.

The way the lines flowed; the simpler the shapes the more majestic I thought it was. You could convey power, grace, tension, serenity, all in a few rough charcoal lines.

Then there was the nakedness. The hidden suddenly revealed, but not in a glossy, bedazzled spectacle like in those magazines. This was real flesh and blood, these people laughed and sang and jogged and rode the bus like anybody else. Yet here they were laid bare in their most intimate of selves on the paper. It was exciting to be able to be in the presence of these bodies just for the sake of bodies. Not to compare or seduce or diagnosis just to be.

I wanted to keep them. I wanted to paper my walls in these drawings. I don’t think I was ever allowed to, or maybe I forgot to ask, assuming something so holy to be off limits for such an everyday purpose.

I’ve always been too shy to draw myself. Drawing is not one of my natural born gifts like my father has, and there always seemed to be too many rules that I didn’t understand. I followed other creative impulses and let those drawings sift down to the back of my mind until recently.

I’m now on a mission to teach myself to draw. I boldly started drawing every day for the first week, swearing that I would maintain the habit for the next three months or until I was happy with my drawing abilities which ever came first. I now recognize the same two things I usually do with these bold impulses: 1) I can’t sustain that kind of intensity of practice, and 2) I will never be happy with the final product. So I’ve stopped trying for either and am instead focusing on enjoying the small moments along the way.

I love how the pencil feels in my hand. I love smudging the lines with my fingers and staining the tips an ugly black. I love the meditative act of really truly observing what I am trying to draw. I love discovering the shapes that develop. I love trying again and again to get it “right”, and failing, and trying harder. I love learning new things about how I work.

Here is a collection of what I have drawn so far: