Anxiety’s mistress

I’m afraid of myselfAnxiety has my mind reeling

My body seems to have settled into that post panic state where calm feels too calm because my heart has been racing for so long

All my senses acutely awake tuned in for that next possible infringement that could be my undoing

Overly sensitive yes I am in fact hyper aware of my internal and external environment so that I feel the effects of their slow poisoning that much more brutally

Because my vulnerability is a gift not a sin to be rendered onto the aggressively desensitized masculine gaze which “knows best”

However one of these days my heart will fall apart in my hands like so much soggy tissue paper after it’s been put through the ringer one too many times

Colours bleeding together in the wash a rich shade of blah maybe later when I’m not so busy

I will have time to stop and solve the lock that’s been stuck on this locker full of abandoned romances and half solved mysteries that aches in my chest

When the sun goes down and I’m faced with the mortality of even this day I find my whole body shakes to attention in a brutal show of vivacious self defense

Fight or flight

Fight or flight

Fight or flight

But mostly freeze so I can take in painfully short breath like it’s my last 

And hold it ferociously right in my chest that’s locked in searing pain as the lump in my throat thrusts forth against my cortisol addled brain like it might burst forth into a fire cracker to celebrate the personal failings I’ve been trying to out run for so long

This is all that’s left of me now this hollowed shell that used to feel something for myself 

I am a stone at the River bed

Run smooth with care

Of changing waters

Moving too quickly for me to grasp

But always present 

A reassuring torrent

Of possibility

Or fear


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s