Dreaming of a caring economy 

I dreamt about holding my mom while she ugly cried. About her letting tears roll in ugly sobs. Of holding her & stroking her hair while she shoke with each painful breath. Of her feeling so small & helpless in my arms. I couldn’t calm your fears.

Before that we were in the kitchen after a big meal I was late too. Everyone clinking glasses & merry. I chewed hubba bubba gum too big for my mouth. My words were awkward around the slippery mass. You didn’t mind. You picked me up by the thighs & carried me up the many flights of stairs. You told me that you loved me & always will while you set me on top of cabinet 6 ft high. I was skeptical that you meant any of it, but your words were so velvety rich & reassuring. Resting your hand on my knee we talked for longer than it seemed. I got gum stuck in your hair which shone redder than usual in the bedroom light. As I carefully & tenderly groomed the pieces from your hair I knew you meant these promises this time.We talked about how living at home is weird, and the state of the job market. About family & music, old friends & new ones. You’re reassuring gaze never leaving mine.

Just as I let my gaurd down & placed my trust back in your hands, mom came to call me subtly distraught to the other room. As you waved from the bottom of the stairs I had no idea that I would not see you again.

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5x what the hell am I doing

I didn’t really put any thought this week into a 5x list. I had thought at one point this list would be easy to fill with snippets of things that I’ve looked over for the Dinner Tables project which will be presenting on Monday, and although it is certainly filling all of my sleepless nights (eight day anxiety attacks are so much fun in case you were wondering) I of course can’t find (don’t have time) a single link that informed the process. So instead I’ve put together a mad person’s list of things that are reeling through my  brain lately quite unrelated to the project. If you can not tell I am a wreck these days, an utter wreck, and I apologize profusely to those that have had to deal with me. Read with a tall glass of gin in the bath if you love yourself a lot.

Enjoy

  1. Life Skills: What To Do If Someone Is Crying In Public via Rookie – side note I would love to see someone write the same article for what to do if you witness domestic abuse on the street as I’ve been on both sides of that exchange and I still have no clue what an appropriate response would be.
  2. Maya Angelou recites her poem “Phenomenal Woman” via Brain Pickings
  3. To The Girl Who Wanted All or Nothing via Artparasites
  4. Sister Blanche – When Drugs Become a Cult via Weird Canada
  5. Breathless: Is Having Feelings Embarassing? via Vouge – in my limited experience yes always and that’s half the fun
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