Loosing faith

I feel it in my body. My limbs are heavy. My fingers feel thick & bloated like strange cocktail wieners attached to the end of my wrist stumps. My eyes ache, and my mouth tastes like ash. I have a hard time remembering what was just said to me. I feel like a waste of space. Same thoughts as before. I’m tired of hearing them. I can objectively see that I am doing well, my life is reasonably comfortable, I am reasonably skilled & kind, I am supported & loved, and my challenges are manageable. Yet my mind roars a deafening cry of apathy. It’s harder to silence when I know it is unfounded. Maybe I will always feel like this. Maybe I don’t deserve the things I have if I can’t appreciate them. Maybe the only way to get any peace. I can reason with myself that isn’t the answer. I can say the things to myself I would say to a friend. I can put myself to bed & make myself tea knowing things will keep going on. Maybe things will get worse, maybe I am a waste of space, but certainly no more so then anybody else. I can only make good of what I have here. How selfish is it to allow my mind to fall into such disrepair over nothing. Why does my body ache when I try to sleep? And disassociate when I try to focus? And smile when I feel afraid? I feel so embarrassed warning my friends. I need to tell you this because I know you would want to know if something were to happen, I have no plans, but someone needs to know, and I can see my weight transfer from my mind to yours, but I am no lighter for it, and again I am afraid. What is the point? Why am I here? I am asking a god that I don’t think can hear me for an answer that I am afraid to hear. No wonder it isn’t going well. Why do I make things so hard for myself? Or is it out of my hands generations of trauma leading up to this moment where I try to make an excuse for my own lousy outlook on life. Turning off the news helps. Playing music helps. Sleeping helps. Eating green food helps. Praying to no one in particular helps. Talking with others helps. Petting my cat helps. Drinking tea helps. Writing this down helps. 

I don’t know if help will ever really make a difference, but that’s the best I’ve got.

5x immunity

I’m lying in my bed, sick as a dog, thinking of how to get better. Dreaming  of all the things I’ve left unsaid I awoke with a frog in my throat several days ago. A suppressed immune system & overactive nervous system. My body is setting its own rhythm as seasons change. Unable to speak, a mandatory period of bed rest & reflection at the start of a voluntarily sober September. This is what I am musing on in my sick bed.

Enjoy

1. Hunger Makes Me via my dear friend Charlie Peters, a poignant reflection on female appetite 
2. For Men* Who Desperately Need Autonmy via Nora Samaran
3. Legendary Ballerina Sylvie Gulliem Performs Sacred Monster via the lovely Ann Connors
4. Dr. Gabor Mate – How Stress Causes Disease a talk from his research for When The Body Says No which I have been thinking about as my immune system & nervous system go haywire 
5. The Real Reason Women Drink via my charming friend Sarah Etter

5x

I’m lying in my bed, sick as a dog, thinking of how to get better. Dreaming  of all the things I’ve left unsaid I awoke with a frog in my throat several days ago. A suppressed immune system & overactive nervous system. My body is setting its own rhythm as seasons change. Unable to speak, a mandatory period of bed rest & reflection at the start of a voluntarily sober September. This is what I am musing on in my sick bed.

Enjoy

1. Hunger Makes Me via my dear friend Charlie Peters, a poignant reflection on female appetite 
2. For Men* Who Desperately Need Autonmy via Nora Samaran
3. Legendary Ballerina Sylvie Gulliem Performs Sacred Monster via the lovely Ann Connors
4. Dr. Gabor Mate – How Stress Causes Disease a talk from his research for When The Body Says No which I have been thinking about as my immune system & nervous system go haywire 
5. The Real Reason Women Drink via my charming friend Sarah Etter

5x flourish

Verb
1) no object, (of a person, animal, or other living organism) grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of favorable environment.
2) with object, (of a person) wave (something) around to attract the attention of others.
Noun
1) a bold or extravagant gesture or action, made especially to attract the attention of others
2) an ornate musical passage

I really love this word. Actors will be familiar with verbing, which tbh I hate as a creative practice but am not afraid to utilize with relish in my personal life. This is a word I wrote on my bathroom mirror. This is a word I doodle in the margins with flowers and butterflies. This is a word that motivates me to get up in the morning. It is indulgent, it is healthy, it is ornate, it is bold, it is joyful, it is vigorous, it develops, and it attracts. There is something delicious & lush about it. This will be my last 5x list in a while, I’m taking a break to go flourish. These are a few links of things I’ve been considering lately, I hope that they enrich and go to seed in your mind too.

Enjoy

1. Chai Chats: Episode 6 – Essentail Self Part 2 there is so much here that I am in love with these women are full of truth bombs and vibrating on another frequency. Also worth listening to Part 1 but not necessary to dive in with Part 2.
2. For Women ‘Who Are Difficult To Love’ via Everyday Feminism
3. Doomsquad picked out some Canadian gems of emerging female electronic talent via Clash
4. Interview with Evie Ruddy via Kindred Cities
5. We Need to Talk: Sexual Harassment in the Art World via AKA Artist Run Centre – this is a really touching collection of first hand accounts (not in a explicit way) of what it’s like to navigate that grey space of sexual harassment when your work place might also be your social place. I really dig this quote from Xenia Benivolski “Sometimes it feels like if I said nothing, I could just be like them, with all their liberties, but that’s false.”
6. Bonus round, I’m obsessed with the new Anna Wise EP The Feminine: Act 1