Change of seasons

I don’t want to make any more art about the things that have hurt me. Every piece I’m working on has some way tied into the experiences, people, stories, or places that have fucked me right up. Trying to make something beautiful & meaningful out of it to justify this feeling. Because I still believe it’s my responsibility to transform those thorns into a crown. It’s not. I don’t owe it to anyone. My sadness & pain are my own. Transforming them could be cathartic or it could be a way to keep me trapped in it. What would it look like to make art out of things that were already beautiful? Out of pieces of me that shine in the sunlight? What if I started with gold instead of straw? What could I weave then? I’m growing in a thousand ways that I don’t remember. I just want time to rest in the pieces of me that aren’t hurting. I feel like a fraud & a fake turning over a new leaf while these leaves are still green on the tree. Abandoning the project before transformation is complete. But I also recognize that I need to refuel. I’ve been joking about quitting to paint fruits & flowers. I think that might literally be what I do next. I’m taking a three month hiatus from all that is hard to only indulge the soft side of my art. Play music, play in film, play in paints & muck about. I have a few commitments that I will see through, but I’m shelving Dear Devotion for a time until after this sabbatical of gentleness. There are still a few more months left in this year of yin and I will indulge.

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2 thoughts on “Change of seasons

  1. I find that in our society, there’s a fear of acknowledging that pain is a part of ourselves, and allowing pain to just “be.” There’s always this push for us to work with it…engage with it. We feel pressured to move past it, work through it, transform it, create from it, etc. And sometimes ate compleye focus on it can be as damaging and draining as ignoring it. Sometimes, for our own health and mind, we just have to let it be. Acknowledge that it’s there – a part of us, but not the whole of us. There are so many other parts of ourselves that we can engage with too. I’ll admit that when I stumbled across this blog, I near about ate up your writing. Soaking in your words, I found solace and reflection for my own pain from the depths of yours. But as much as I’m grateful for your strength and ability to write from that place of vulnerability, to write those words that made me feel less alone … I know you can create from so much more than that. I hope you find that softness and beauty to restore yourself. I hope you’ll share the art you’ll make from gold. I know it will be as captivating as the art you’ve made from straw. – E

    • Thank you so much for your kind, wise words they made my day brighter to wake up to. I will certainly continue to share whatever I create during this sabbatical of softness. Just taking a moment to breathe. Take care out there ❤️

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