26

I have not always been sure of my success, but I am here today to realize it in all my glory. 

My goal for the next 6 months is to move to Montreal and secure a sustainable income in order to presue my dreams of building an internationally recognized performance arts career by the age of 35.

The last year has been one year long celebration of life. Finding the joy in the everyday, and relishing being alive in this body, with these experiences, surrounded by so many kind hearts. There has been such doubt, and yet I am still here. Surviving.

Twenty-six is about making bold moves.

I am taking the first baby step towards my nine year goal, and endeavouring to put my best foot forward on this journey. I am (re)committing here to my goals for the year to help me along this path.

First, I honour my highest self through these commitments

1. I commit to 10 minutes of seated meditation in the morning before I start my day

2. I commit to 10 minutes yoga asana, particularly inversions & heart openers, everyday 

3. I commit to 10 minutes of silence with my journal everyday

4. I commit to being mindful of how I am nourishing my body on a daily basis 

5. I commit to practice the O Divine Mother prayer every morning & every night

In addition to these commitments I seek to begin to release the following obstacles as I seek to know myself more deeply 

6. I release patterns of emotional repression & disassociation habits in order to get to know the transformational power of my emotional self

7. I release patterns of negative self talk to practice compassionate truth speaking towards myself & others

8. I release generational fears that keep me small & too shy to know my true expansiveness 

9. I release my limiting beliefs around money so that I may value my time & energy appropriately 

10. I release the pain that I am holding onto to defend myself with in order to write my next chapter in bold ink 

I offer gratitude for all of the blessings already heaped before me, and invite these goals into my life in alignment with my highest good, and the highest good of all involved. I hereby release any dense stale energy that clouds my judgement in reaching my goals, and banish any bonds of failure throughout time & space that would prevent me from realizing my truth & transforming my life in accordance with natural divine order. And so it is.

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Magic

They gathered in secret and exclaimed on point, she shook as she embraced each one there to nourish her, sister queen over the presiding, brother messenger with death at his heel, two witches, an old friend, an old lover, a new lover, and a soon to be lover, a mother & child, a creature that can not be named, a fluid being of light, and a couple in love, a private ceremony of glittering revelries, channeling light from a distant moon, dancing underground, golden lights dim sparkle under her eyes, arms wrapped in unknown symbols lovingly painted in blackest night, glowing war paint in pink rose blossom, her nails glitter like black  beetles as she plucks the sodden fruit and places it on her tongue, under the stars smoke trails drunk on too much wine and love, she rises above holding court in kitchen laughing through the open window, day breaks, adventure begins, wandering along abandoned shores, following trails of secrets like egg shells, delicate footsteps, new promise, cozy wrapped together in first light, pink and purple nymphs dance on the water, skin turning green, future tense lurking in past memories, questions that can not be answered, butterflies metamorphsizing under the skin, a long walk home, creating order, gathering, preparing, the tea is poured, a nest for two, time stops as lovers unfold, a sea of rhythm, an orchestra of trust, waves of warmth, connected heart strings pluck a new tune, a poem cries out from the bed posts, full of vigor, compassion, and daring, blue sky blossoms over head, transported to a grassy valley in the shade, a tune drifts from under tree, bard recite familiar wrote, cherries stain cheeks & lips, Ferris wheels & tight rope walkers, wry mothers wit, teasing buzzing bugs, close my eyes on this grassy hill, a moment of calm in the process of rebirth.

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Spring

Currently, I am testing how to strike the balance between working in that nauseating place outside of my comfort zone and sharing the unique perspective inherent in my personal place in the world. It’s often difficult to know what is self indulgent vs vulnerable revelation. It takes a lot of practice to be comfortable enough in my own proclivities to be able to see them honestly and work my way out, and from there welcome shifts in perspective and new ideas about the work to emerge. Starting from the outside appearance of thins and working inwards rarely proves successful in my practice.

You know what they say, when you assume you make an ass out of u and me.

Assumptions are like monsters under the bed; there is no way to escape them except by facing them head on and testing them in the practical plane  against your ideas and fears about them. Most of the time they will reveal themselves in the light to be something other than you imagined.

My biggest fear of monsters under the bed when I was a kid was that my bed sat directly on the floor. I wasn’t so foolish as to think that saved me from having to worry about monsters, it just meant that ¬†I couldn’t be sure where they would come from once the light went out. Of course this prepared me for the challenge of facing manifold unexpected monsters and assumptions when I decided to pursue a life in the arts.

Judi Dench spoke of the incredible fear associated with her practice. It’s inescapable in our work. To learn to live with that fear, and to not allow it to define you is a great gift. From the place of fear we can find the strength to face the assumptions that are hidden in plain sight.

I don’t want to live a life unexamined.

This spring has been a great awakening for me. I’ve been opened a deluge of discovery and growth that I did not expect at the top of 2015. Which all stems from testing myself against the limitations I perceive from my narrow vantage point. It reads like a tired truism, but the merit is in the practice.

It started off by deciding to apply for the Ghost River Theatre Devised Theatre Production Intensive even though “I knew I wouldn’t get in”, and then after being accepted putting together a grant in a week to be able to attend in spite of the voice saying “there is too much competition, they will never fund my project”, and then asking for the time off work when “I know they can’t spare me this time of year”.

Well it all came together, and the experience was transformative.

From there I had the pleasure of joining the Saskatchewan contingent at Magnetic North Theatre Conference and Festival in Ottawa. This was the first time I have engaged with the theatre community on a national level and meet many of the movers and shakers in the industry from across the country and around the world. The beautiful thing about Magnetic North is that it is still a size where everyone in the room feels approachable, even over the brief time I was able to attend I felt at home like I had finally found “my people”.

As a result of a connection there, I have the great fortune to be returning to Calgary to study with Denise Clark at One Yellow Rabbit next summer, and have renewed focus pursuing the next phases of my fall projects with new revelations from Magnetic North and Ghost River Theatre. I feel the question of when not how bubbling to the surface more and more as new ways of entering the work begin to emerge that exceed my own imagination.

I want to take this opportunity to send a big platter of gratitude to the fine folks at the Saskatchewan Arts Board for their support both financially and their on going support of the Saskatchewan arts scene. We are so fortunate to have a legacy of peer reviewed, arms length funding in our province, and it truly makes a difference on the ground as they understand that opportunities do not always wait for “the right time” to manifest. Without their support it would be much harder for young artists like myself to build a sustainable career in the prairies.

It is humbling to be reminded that it take a million small steps to climb the tallest mountain. As the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other, and a hectic spring dissolves into a languid summer, I am happy to pause and reflect in that moment of balance as it passes through the center.

May the path be ever mysterious and the journey never complacent.

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