Sober September

Last night at midnight I had my first beer in a month. It tasted good, but not as good as I remembered. It helped pass the time as we visited after a night of music & dancing, but it didn’t improve my enjoyment of the night noticeably. 

I didn’t want to make a big deal about committing to sober September because I didn’t want to come across healthier than thou, but also because I wasn’t sure what kind of statement that would be making about my life. Part of me was also a little afraid I would not be able to do it. I’ve never attempted a complete cleanse before. what if I really was in denial about how much I drink? What if I had become dependent without realizing it? What if my social life evaporated? What if I realized I didn’t like myself without the alcohol?

In short: it was fine.

Nothing really dramatic changed. I was still depressed, still thought about death too much, still had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, still went out to see shows at bars with friends and danced and had fun, still said wildly inappropriate things over text, I even tried to date and flirt a bit. In short it was a pretty average month except I was a little more acutely aware of the pain of existence, and I saved a couple hundred dollars.

 It also allowed me to admit that I am actually sick. I am deeply depressed & anxious. Drinking certainly doesn’t help alleviate my depression, but it isn’t the source of it either. I need to seek separate support for my mental health beyond just making healthier choices. It did reassure me that I am in control of my life. I might live on the edge occasionally, but I accomplish the goals I set my mind to with ease.

Over all I think it was a successful month. Not a lifestyle change I can imagine subscribing to in the long run, but a practice I plan to maintain awareness of going into the long winter nights.

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